ooooooooh snap.

Friday, August 17, 2007
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

You are ready to party; all you need is an invitation and a few friends to join you. You are not particularly interested in doing anything by yourself today, yet you will likely feel misunderstood even if you engage in a group activity today. Remember, there's no need to hide. Your feelings are more transparent than you realize now that the Moon is back in your sign.

I am ready to party. ha.
I'm so bummed AGAIN. I'm way retarded and I know it... whatever... I'll be fine come tomorrow.

I have one month... till Jackies wedding and stuff... I can't believe it's only a month away... thats just nuts.

I found a rad book:


DUDE... I need that book. SO AMAZING.

AND I found a gym 16 minutes away from my work... pretty stoked, now I have to remember my gym clothes. ha.

Oh and fuck it all... I'm so bummed out. why can't i have what i want, just this once?

oh and...

oh, i had my first day of work... it was awesome. i love my new job. at least thats a good thing in my life right now.

i'm so bummed out though.

fell for nothing.

i did it again. i fell for it.

i'm so bummed out right now and i'm sure it has to do with running off of 3 hours sleep, but i'm still really bummed. and i know i shouldn't care... but i do. i care a lot.

i really thought it would work out different... but i guess deep down i had a feeling he'd pull the same shit as last time. why though? i REALLY don't get it... where is the thrill in it, what does he get out of it???? seriously, though... what does he get out of it? i'm okay if he changed his mind or he wasn't in the mood... whatever, just tell me. fuck, i'm understanding. its just the playing me like hes all stoked to hang out and then.... nothing... i know i shouldn't care this much... i shouldn't at all... it doesn't matter, right?? but i swear, i need closure or something... cause i have such strong feelings for him. i wish i could just forget him... i wish i didn't fuck up so badly. i dont know what to do. maybe he senses my feelings? but honestly, i dont want to date him... i just want to have closure and i feel like if we hang out it might bring that to me. it just ended so weird... i'm so stupid. whats the matter with me?

i need sleep.
maybe i'll get over it tomorrow. my stomach is in my throat right now.

whats wrong with me?

has it reached stalker?

no... but i'm still obsessed...

wishes

happy birthday, dear james... <3 i miss you.

bad news bears...

bad news: i got a job.

good news: i got a job!

woo!!

+ it pays more than i expected to get
- start Monday
+/- its a job i've never done before
+/- its kinda far, but that's more of a plus than a minus (books on cd, languages on cd - that sounds fun sort of)
+ benefits!
+ routines!!
+ cool new co-workers
-- lame new co-workers
-- waking up early
+/- hours 7am-4pm

needless to say, i'm excited for this new little adventure! i swore i didn't think i would get this job and because of that, i kinda knew i would. its always the ones you don't expect.

i'm scared of waking up early though... eek. i am super excited to start a new routine that involves eating at the right times & going to the gym. its so much easier when i have a job... cause i have a set schedule for eating and i don't have all the time in the world... i'm happy. i have to write a "testimonial" for the girls at the employment agency... they really were so sweet and i really enjoyed working with them.

tomorrow: hang out with angie & jackie, YAY! since i won't get to see them much after i get a job. boo :( and shopping! i need new work clothes like stat!

now i'm goin to bed... i'm sleepies!

i have to add "making random/not so random words bold in my blog" to my list of obsessions.

tomorrow.

i have a 2nd interview! my first, second interview! woo! goooo me!

i had an interview for this telecommunications company, not for like telemarketing or anything like that... the job is for a job cost analyst... whatever that is! haha for reals, i dont know how to do the job, but i know if i'm trained i'll do well. anyway.......... so tuesday i had an interview with the controller and i swore i made a HUGE fool of myself... but at the same time, i think the dude i interviewed with like me... so i had a good / bad feeling about it. well, obviously he dug me cause i have a 2nd interview tomorrow with him, the CFO & the assistant controller. sweet deal. i hope they are as cool as this guy. if they are... its in the bag! BUT... and i mean BUT its FAR from home... i think it might even take me like an hour to get there and an hour home (with traffic). soooooooo i'm not so sure... i might HATE that. but we'll see. if they offer it to me, i'll take it and if the distance gets to me, then i'll start looking for a new job. but i think the pay will be what i want and i bet they have okay bene's. i hope they have good medical, dental & vision.

so the jury is still out on how i feel about all this church stuff... i really enjoy the girls i met... they are really sweet and fun... but is it really for me? i dont know yet. i can't picture myself being an christian advocate, to be honest... i'm just not that kinda person. so hopefully that will be okay... i'll be a quiet christian... is that acceptable, i wonder? lets hope so...

okay, so its like i'm obsessed...

#1: this dress... i NEED it. only $428, no big.


#2: the hot guy, we'll call him 23. i went to bible study/mid-week session (church on tuesday) and he was there. wow. wow. wow. he didn't notice me, and thats okay... i can still admire him from afar... after all... he is ssssssuper young. oh man, but he is like so dreamy.

#3: this family:
sans tom of course. i mean hes cool and all... but i'm obsessed with katie and suri. i LOVE katies new style... she is chic. so hot. i wish i could even be a cheap knock off of her... she is amazing. and suri... wow... if that really was the true offspring of tomkat... they need to make more and more babies, like asap. they really must be aliens... they are just too perfect...

#4: i WISH i had found a picture of them... but they are these amazing shoes by moschino... i think they are 2008... but WOW. they are fantastic! black pumps, sort of like these: but only one strap going across... and they had a bow... i think the toe was pointer too. anyway... i LOVE them. i assume they'd be around the same price as the ones above... something around $795. um, yeah. just a hair out of my budget...

#5: OH and... um... $65 tights. they must shave like 25 pounds off you... otherwise... WHY OH WHY would people pay $65 for TIGHTS. JUST ONE PAIR!!!!!!!!! WOW. although, i'm still obsessed...

#6: wide leg trousers... oh man, they look so dashing:

llllllllove em! but of course they look amazing on this model... or katie... they are both a) 7 feet tall and b) like 10 pounds. not so sure how'd they look on this girl... i can still love them though...


um, i think thats all i'm obsessed with at the moment... i'll add more as time goes on i'm sure...

weird thoughts.

kind of a weird weekend... a lot of weird thoughts at least.

i miss james.
i just want to hug him again... or at very least hear his voice. i miss him a lot every day. you know, i always thought of him before when we weren't talking that much, but knowing he was alright and he was out there, i was okay. but because i don't know where he is, if he even is alive really makes me sad. i miss you, james. even though we had a terrible relationship, he was the best friend in the world. he always knew how to make me smile/laugh. we were definitly soul mates. no doubt. so now i feel a bit empty without him.

i went to the ventura county fair on saturday... kinda a family tradition. it was fun, per usual, nothing different. it looks the same as it did when i was a kid... in 20+ years it has not changed. i love that. so anyway... i saw a guy there that i had a wicked crush on when i was in like 9th grade (i think it was 9th...). anyway... i just thought about how weird it was that i knew exactly who he was and that i had a serious crush on him and he had NO clue that i even existed... weird, right? i thought so... anyway... just to think... you could walk past a stranger that you don't even notice... and they could have been infatuated with you at one time... that is so freaky. at least i think it is...

went to church... it was good. i'm glad i went. this kid sat in front of me and i swear he was one of the most beautiful people i had ever seen. he had perfect skin. he was so adorable... he is like 23, but whatever. i have a bible study session planned for tuesday at 6pm. the girl i know from church is totally sweet. she is so completely adorable... she is a tiny little thing... and she is pregnant. nothing worse than a tiny adorable pregnant girl! hehe. i'm really glad i went. a possibility of meeting new friends, and if nothing else maybe a insight to life and how the heck to live it... and well, i hate to say it, but i would love to meet a guy that has morals and values... and is also my "type". i'm not sure if this type of guy exists, but i can always hope. doesn't hurt to dream, right?

so this week... i have two potential interviews. i will find out tomorrow when and where they are... one will be in orange county... so hopefully i can make a day out of that adventure and visit friends too. OH and i'm terribly annoyed with myself... i need to get my fat ass to the gym. jackies wedding is in a month... and i really don't want to feel ugly there. not that there will be any potential "boyfriends" there, but i just want to feel pretty, damn it! and i know i'm going to be going alone... which is going to be painful... i dont want to go alone... sitting at a freakin reception all by myself isn't going to be all that exciting...

i have been stressing myself out a lot lately... and here i am again with a tummy ache. i'm going to go get fatter and play video games.
xo

...

still waiting / looking for a job... (waiting on the agencies to call me). i have a tentative interview next week... i wish they'd call me back to confirm, i hate when things aren't concrete. its so annoying. i would like to get this job, only because its in the field i was working in and i think i'd be comfortable... but i dont know... its a little scary too because i dont know what i'd be doing, it is different than what i was doing before. i guess thats kinda cool at the same time though, learning new things having new experience. that would be pretty good. we'll see. i hope something comes through pretty soon... i dont like the stress...

its been a pretty depressing week. i haven't seen anyone besides agents at employment agencies and my parents... no friends since sunday. :( i hope that i can go and do something this weekend, but i doubt it. all my friends have families. :( i feel so left out. maybe ally will hang out with me (?) i dont know, she has a family too... and she is a busy girl. but we'll see. maybe she is sick of me? i dont know... anyway... i feel so alone. i hate this feeling. i have nothing (besides my family [parents]). i have no job/career, no boyfriend [which obviously means no husband], no kids, i dont even have a place of my own right now; i'm living with my parents. so embarrassing and very depressing.

i need to not focus on what i dont have and focus more on what i do have. its just hard right now... i'm getting really discouraged.

i hope life picks up a little soon...

i like fair.

i wish life was more fair.

i went up to oakhurst this past weekend. it was so wonderful up there... i went up with my friend ally to visit her parents. their house up there is so beautiful and the 2 acres they live on are just to die for. its exactly the kind of place i wish my parents could afford when they retire. so yeah, i had a lot of fun, we just hung out, went to a lot of museums [i love museums], took pictures [which i'll post soon], went in the spa, went on a steam train ride... and i watched madelynn [ally's 6 year old daughter, seriously so adorable] pan for gold. it really was such a relaxing little trip. i hated coming home. its depressing coming home to reality.

so, speaking of my parents, i want to try and help them out more. i dont do nearly as much as i should. i am very selfish and i really need to change this about myself. as soon as i get a job, i'm going to try and give them a lot more money to help them out, i want to start a savings account for them so maybe i can fund a really great vacation for them... i need to start helping out more around the house also. i'm too lazy.

i need to start working on being a "doer" and not such a "dreamer". i talk about doing stuff and never do it or if i do start, i never complete anything. its one of my BIGGEST issues and i need to some how overcome it. i have a lot of "me work" to do, but this is like numero ono.

i can't stand so much about myself, i need to start working on it, so i can be a happier person. i want a boyfriend so bad lately, or at least the prospect of one, i seriously haven't had a prospect in quite awhile... and the prospects i've had, really had no chance with me, they were very much a bunch of mr. wrongs. i need to figure out how to be a doer instead of a dreamer. how how how?

this is depressing stuff. i'm gunna go watch dawsons creek.

le sigh.

since i dont keep myspace blogs very long... i will place them in here for future reading...
from myspace blog:

[7/12/07]
its that time... sigh...

i have an appointment with ajilon office tomorrow at 11:30. good bye boring days... good bye sleeping in... good bye dong whatever i feel like doing... good bye feeling worthless. i'll miss you.

i'm semi excited... with everything there are pros... and cons. i'm going to try and focus on the pros though. although, i keep thinking about how i won't be seeing any of my friends anymore. ha. especially come sept. 4th. boo.

........... alright i need to go to worksource, since my awesome computer doesnt have microsoft office on it.

eeeeee... i'm scared of new jobs.

-----------------------------------------------------------

[7/13/07]
ooh i'm on a roll this week with the blogs...

my appointment with the agency went really well. they sent my resume to a few places already... and told me i'm awesome. i received very high test scores, but did we ever think i wouldn't? no. i'm brilliant. i might have an interview on monday/tuesday with some "entertainment" company... i thought they meant porn when they said that, but come to find out its some country western music company. i'm actually pretty stoked on that... i'm not a big country fan, but i think it would be a fun work environment. so hopefully that pans out... seems like a pretty easy job. admin asst for an executive... can't be too difficult, possibly a little demanding though. whatever. pay is good, benis are good... close to home. works for me.

so i'm glad today went swimmingly. yay.

had golden spoon tonight... mmmmmmmmmmm. best place EVER. i want GS everyday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[7/18/07]
**update**

okay so i think i have a plan... you know, generally libras are terrible decision makers, so this has been really hard for me... plan as follows: tomorrow i'm going to call (or maybe i'll go into work source office) the unemployment office and ask them when the temp job ends do i lose my benefits or can i pick up where i left off? then if they respond in a positive manner, then i will take the temp job in calabasas... and hope they find me as irresistible as i know i am... and hire me... my job troubles [and money troubles] will be gone... but if they dont realize how awesome i am, [and lose out] then i'll still have my unemployment to pay the bills. does this make sense? i think it does... but i'm in serious stress out mode, so who knows... there has been some drama here... bleh. **end update**

i love the movie "drive me crazy".

jobs. ugg.

i'm getting nervous now... i have not heard back from ajilon about any permanent positions... and i dont like that. i did hear from them for a couple temporary positions. one in century city (ummmmm... it would take me like 5 years to get to work and 8 years to get home, that would suck), it would be for 1-2 months... and then a contract admin (my old job) in calabasas, but its temp until they find someone "more qualified" F YOU. i'm so qualified they have no idea. haha. so i'd probably start working like next week if i took one of the temp jobs... so i dont know what to do. i guess it would be good for me to start working, since i've been a lazy bum for the past 5 months... i just don't know what to do. the contract admin possition would be cool since i really did enjoy that job... BUT... its temp. then what? then i'm screwed. but i thought temp work might be kinda fun... always doing something different... AND what if... just what if... the company realized just how awesome i really am and gave me the job? its for a sr. contract admin... which they start at like 60K. that completely wouldn't suck. if i worked my ASS off i bet i could prove to them i rule. should i really take that chance? i dont know... maybe i should. you never know what could happen... i have to talk to my parents... they are usually good at helping me figure stuff out. only bum out would be... work would start next week. ... hmm... i wonder if they would pay me really well? but man... i want benefits and i want security. i dont like the unexpected or the unknown. surprises are not my thing. i guess i'll just talk to the lady at ajilon tomorrow and ask her questions...

ug, i'm stressing myself out.

on a better note: how sweet is this freakin dresser?




and i found some SERIOUSLY rad hello kitty items last night while randomly searching. which, along with other things, have been placed in my [new favorite thing] wishpot.

oh and i think i have alzheimer's... i can't remember ANYTHING lately... :(

sick i tell ya.

i'm so sick of everything right now.

i'm having a bad evening. i feel sick to my stomach.
i'm stressing about the job situation.
i'm stressing out about my parents situation (the property).

i'm just plain stressed out.

i'm sick of calling a friend and her never calling me. yet, she always says she wants to hang out... but she NEVER answers her phone. kinda pisses me off.

i'm also not into having a stern message left for me; when its completely uncalled for. if you left me a message before and i haven't called you back; then by all means, please leave me a more stern message... but if this is the first i've heard from you [and i left YOU a message BEFORE you left me one] don't be a dick.

thats it. dont be a dick.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. everything is getting to me.

if its not PMS i dont know what it is.

i just want to run away. i want to scream. alkdhaowieytaowiehnalowngvoi!!!

i wanna go places. i wish i had a friend or a few friends that are single... and would love to go travel... i'm not saying to europe or anything, although, that would be amazing... but to like san fracisco or san diego... or vegas... some place drivable. OR a boyfriend that likes weekend trips places. that would rule. i am sick of the stale life i lead. i want to branch out a little... i'm not saying i need to be world traveled within the next year or anything... just want to have some fun. i'm bored. anyway... i have a headache and for some reason i can't wake up.

i need to clean and i have barely started. my bathroom is not in good shape right now. my room needs a good cleaning as well. hardwood floors suck. its never clean or at least thats how it feels.

i have a possible job opportunity... going to ajilon was awesome per usual. they are so nice and they make me feel like i'm not worthless. a couple of the girls raved over how well i did on the testing. i was shocked i did so well; i was afraid i forgot everything. my nails are so long that i was sure i made a TON of mistakes on the typing tests. haha. stupid acrylics. OH i have to get my nails done tomorrow! for serious; they need a fixin. oh so the job opportunity is for the academy of country music! HA. funny... i am not so much a fan... but it would be a pretty fun environment i think... AND its CASUAL! i could wear jeans!! oh man that right there makes it ALL worth it. i really would like $22 an hour... but we'll see... i would hate to make less than i did at JLH. but we'll see... wearing jeans is quite a plus. haha. i figure if made $22 an hour i could pay my credit cards off, pay my car down (then figure out how to make the payments lower) and make my credit better and be out of my parents house in a year or less. thats not bad. but if i make less than that, it might take longer. boo. :( we'll see though... i just have to stay focused on paying the bills off AND going to school. OH and the hours would be 9-5 at the academy of country music... thats freakin awesome... 9 am!?!? i could do that! its 8 i have a problem with. haha. but mandatory overtime... which is good for the paycheck... bad for the school situation. something i would have to work out with them. i would really only have school one week night, so i'm sure it wouldn't interfere too much. oh gosh... i haven't even had an interview yet! the lady at ajilon just really thinks i'll fit well there... and she was really jazzed on me interviewing... she tried to get me an interview right on the spot.

annnnnnyway... this friday i get to go on a road trip with ally! woot! i'm excited. we're going to oakhurst... her mom lives there... and its really close to yosemite, so i'm SUPER stoked. we're going to yosemite and i hope we can hang out there for a while (a whole day i mean). i have to remember to bring sunscreen! and a hat! it will be HOT... oh and my CAMERA. we are so going on an awesome photography adventure. i hope anyway... i'm going to purchase black and white film and go wild. well i hate taking too many pictures, but i want to take a couple rolls.

eep, i'm hungry again and i just can't seem to wake up! damn me... i guess i'll have some more caffeine. xo

tomorrow do list:

- call school and make appointment with counselor *update* - you can't make an appointment right now. walk ins only. the guy was a TOTAL dick too.

- call school and make appointment for assessment tests *update* you can't make an appointment right now. walk ins only.

- go to worksource and get resume updated

- work on uploading resume to the following
- healthnet.com
- medtronic.com *update* - the website sucks; i need to give them a call
- email resume to ajilon

*update* i never came close to any of these things:
- pay bills

- clean room

- gym it

- possibly dawn hang out sesh

- video games / arts n crafts (cause soon i won't have time for either of those; this is an ongoing task)

i think thats it.

today/monday i should go to school and talk to a counselor & check out the assessment center, pay bills, clean & gym. soon enough i wont have time to waste like i do now. that will be nice.

eeeeeek!

eek!

i just made an appointment with an agency... so its real now. i'm REALLY looking for a jobby job. i'm so nervous and my appointment isn't until friday! oh boy. i feel sick to my stomach. :(

i have to update my resume tomorrow and email it to the girl. i am going to go into the unemployment office tomorrow morning and work on it. bleh. i feel sick.

i need references too! i called and left a message with my old supervisor... and i have to call my old boss too. hopefully they will still refer me. if not, i'm screwed. but i dont see why they wouldn't... i'm a nice girl and i think they liked me. they both said they would write me a referral letter, so i shouldn't be so insecure. i just am scared.

well i better go enjoy my freedom... soon it will disappear!

ahhh! i just wish i could get down to business! i still have not lost ONE pound... i haven't checked, but i've probably gained a pound (or two, or three...). i dont really feel like i gained, but i know i have not lost. this is getting stupid! i really hope that once i get a routine in order i'll have an easier time.

step forward: i went to the gym tonight. 45 minutes cardio, not enough, but its a start.

harry potter on tuesday night/wednesday morning. thats rad. stoked on that.

there is a cute little jacket at old navy i want, bad. i think i should get it tomorrow even though i have $100 (maybe less) to my name till next monday. eek. whatever, i'll starve, it will be good for me.

what else what else what else... ?
still cant get T out of my head. its time to get over it. it was time to get over it like 46451521 years ago. ugh. i lurk his myspace often, i hope he never makes it private. haha. i'm such a loser.

ummmmm... road trip planned in a couple weeks. i have to seriously start looking for a job this week. kinda happy kinda sad. i'm scared of working, i'm scared of working + schooling. eek. a friend (from school) told me her work is hiring and i should try to apply there, she described the benefits and um....... yeah, best benefits ever! i could get gastric bypass surgery for FREE... the insurance covers it ALL. now if i could find a doctor that would do that for me, well... i'd report him since i'm only like 20 pounds over weight... but still pretty dope insurance. they also pay 50% of plastic surgery... so if i decided to be in the worst pain of my life i can get fake boobs for half price... SWEET. maybe they pay for lasik?? that would be TOP NOTCH. so i'm really hoping for a job at that place, plus they are close to home.

hung out with dawn a few days ago... it was a lot of fun. i really hope her and i hang out more often... like once every couple weeks or more. no more of this once a year crap. thats lame. whats lame is i can't get T out of my head. fudge, its sooooooooooooooooooooo annoying. i bet you if i hung out with him i'd be over it. i dont really think i had true closure. i just kinda ditched him. he called, gave me grief and i said "no more hanging out". that was it. i'm a fuckin idiot. i chose S over him. S!! what was i thinking?!?!?!?!?! T was pretty close to everything i wanted in a guy (at the time) and S was NONE of the things i wanted in a guy. S was a little nicer, but only cause he was fuckin high the whole time. AHKLHJOFIEYOAIHOEIYROIWHNE!!! i'm so stupid. i mean really, long term i dont think T and i would have made it... the whole time i knew we would end badly so that was partly why i am glad i broke it off... and we remained friends for like a second. had i hung out with him, i think we'd be closer friends, but i didn't trust myself hanging out with him. i would have wanted to make out. whatever, GET OVER IT. i need to focus my time on other better things... things that mean something, things that have a chance of actually happening. i dream too much. head out of clouds, ASAP. like that will ever happen.

alkdja;kfdakjfda;.

i'm a mess, i need a shower.

two things...

(1) happy birthday (it was yesterday oops), john cusack - i want to marry you, even though you just turned 41. ex oh ex oh.

(2) what the fuck happened to the spice girls?!?!
then:



















now:





















how are these the same people????

friends zone.

so last night i actually went out.... :O shocking. it was an okay time, but... and i mean a big BUT... i'm seriously not down for the idiot guys i've met lately... i mean lately as in since sean and i broke up. i won't go into the past few, but this guy i hung out with last night. i like him, i've known him for like 10 years... although, the last time i saw him was probably 10 years ago. haha. anyway... nice enough guy... funny... all around good guy... so we go to this bar... it was cool... we talk and there was some jazz playing and what not... then after a drink (3 for him) we decided to go watch a movie at his place, harmless enough i guess... i'm not opposed to a little make out, but i'm worlds biggest tease... ANYWAY... we went up to bramore (my favorite lookout spot) just hang out there for a second... then we went to his house to watch a movie... so we're at his place for no more than like 10 minutes when he excuses himself to go smoke a bowl! what the fuck? aren't you a little old for this? come on... is life that ridiculously stressful that you REALLY need to smoke out RIGHT THEN? you couldn't have waited till i was gone? wow. i was seriously turned off. not that i was all that turned on the first place, but yeah, no chance in hell i'm sticking around. i have to say one thing though, at least he was up front with it... instead of hiding it; i guess. still so not down. after sean i won't put up with even the slightest drug use. i'm soooooooo beyond over that stuff... not worth it. i mean i'm not going to judge him, he can live his life the way he pleases, but, and not that i'm saying he wants anything to do with me in that way, but there is no chance of him and i ever going past friends. he is definitly in the 'friends zone'.

again, i don't mean to judge or anything; i did have a fun time... he is a fun person. i just don't agree with that kinda lifestyle.

ugh... i really hope some day i meet a guy that isn't like the ones i've met. i'm over the "you mean no as in yes" kinda guys or the "what do you mean you wont have sex with me?" kinda guys... oh and the drug users. O V E R I T.

“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage” - Zig Ziglar

the more and more i hear about weddings from brides it makes me want to never have one. don't get me wrong, this girl wants to, er, is dying to get married... i just don't want to have a wedding... not even a little wedding. okay well maybe a little wedding, but i seriously want like 20 people, thats it. and i want it to be simple. i dont want to be a bridezilla. i dont want to be a snob about my wedding. i don't care if my wedding isn't as fabulous as "so and so's". i dont need that. i want MAYBE one brides maid, no maid of honors; just seems so segregated. i dont want to put one friend on a pedestal... all my friends are important. i used to want the traditional wedding, so badly... but now, i don't want one at all. even the sweetest of girls turn into brats when it comes to their wedding... which i dont understand at all (probably because i've never planned/had a wedding)... hell! its a party for your FRIENDS! hosted by you! why does that need to cost $20,000?!?!? AND to start a new life off in SERIOUS debt??? i would much rather have something to show for it, other than a picture album and maybe a video. i guess the memories are sweet... but hell... i'd rather take some crazy awesome vacation and remember that than remember this awesome party where all my friends drank and ate over priced food that i had to put on a credit card and will be paying off for the next 13 years. nooooooooooooooooooooo thanks. alright... thats enough. all i'm saying is... at this time; a wedding is probably not in my future... hopefully a marriage is, but not a wedding.

depressed.

I hope I come back and read this in like a year. Fun.


1. Song that always makes you sad?
Right now, any song would make me sad.

2. Last thing you bought?
Groceries

3. Last person you argued with?
Myself

4. Do you put Butter before putting the peanut butter on?
My Grandma used to make me peanut butter & butter sandwiches... I loved them. No wonder I'm fat.

5. One of your stuffed animals' names as a kid?
I don't remember them having names... but I LOVED my stuffed animals.

6. Did you ever own at one time a Barenaked Ladies Cd?
Not that I'm aware of, but I have been known to sing along to that one song...

7. Favorite day of the week?
The ones where I feel alive.

8. Favorite Sundae topping?
Hot fudge. Hands down.

9. Did you take Piano lessons?
Keyboard lessons, I thought I was way into it, yes I'm that embarrassing.

10. Most frequent song played?
I am so over all my music.

11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?
There is nothing secret about me.

12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?
I guess basketball. But neither would be my preference.

13. Date someone older or younger?
Both... but more of them have been younger. No more.

14. One place you could travel right now?
Shut up.

15. Do you use umbrellas?
I own a few, but no I dont really use them.

16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?
No, I'm sure its a classic though.

17. Favorite Cheese?
Sharp cheddar.

18. The Smith's or the Cure?
Both.

19. Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes?
Brunettes.

20. Best job you ever had?
Purchasing Asst. @ Ventura Distribution. If I could find a job like that one, I would be a happy girl.

21. did you go to your high school prom?
I did. I went to a few of them. I liked forcing boys to go to school dances with me.

22. perfect time to wake up?
I think 8am would be a nice time.

23. perfect time to go to bed?
12am or 1am.

24. do you use your queen right away in chess?
I'm too dumb for chess.

25. Ever been in a car accident?
Luckily not really. *knocks on wood*

26. closer to mom or dad...or neither?
Both. They are amazing people. I'm the luckiest.

27. what age is this exciting life over for you?
ew.

28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?
60's or 70's.

29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?
"Straight Edge" by Vans or my yellow vans. <33

30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?
Band shirts and what not.

31. Were you in track and field?
Nooooooo.

32. Were you ever in a school talent show?
Yes, I did a group dance in 8th grade & lip sync'd in 9th grade.

33. Have you ever written in a library book?
Yes, remember when you had to write your name in the book when you checked it out? I think that was the school library though.

34. Allergic to?
Life.

35. Favorite fruit?
Strawberries, I think. or raspberries.

36. Have you watched sex and the city?.
Yes, LOVED it.

37. Baseball hat or toque?
Either, I guess.

38. Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap?
Shampoo.

39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?
Wet for sure.

40. Pen or pencil?
Both are useful.

41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?
Yeah, not really my thing.

42. Have you thrown up on a plane?
Stop.

43. Have you thrown up in a car?
Stop.

44. Have you thrown up at work?
Stop.

45. Do you scream on roller coasters?
I scream before I'm on the roller coaster.

46. Who was your first prom date?
Scott Barrow or something like that.

47. Who was your first roommate?
Javier & Molly; although, that barely counts since I was never there.

48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?
Vodka & orange juice. Ugh.

49. What was your first job?
Hughes Market - Courtesy Clerk.

50. What was your first car?
1991 Isuzu Trooper. <33 I loved that car.

51. When did you go to your first funeral?
Shh, we don't speak of such things.

52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
20.

53. Who was your first grade teacher?
Ms. Hilf, she was so awesome.

54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?
Erie, PA.

55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
James something. First "boyfriend".

56. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?
Rachel, but the first REAL BFF would have been Allyson; and yes.

57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent's house?
Costa Mesa.

58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
:( No one.

59. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?
Danielle & Mikes.

60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Get mad that I slept in AGAIN.

61. What was the first concert you attended?
Some radical one at Westlake High School. Strife played. Sweet.

62. First tattoo or piercing?
first tattoo - Japanese character, first piercing - ears.

63. First celebrity crush?
I don't remember. Probably one of the Corey's.

sinuses are lame.

finals are O V E R! yay!

now... i have like a few days to decide... should i take a summer course or should i not take a summer course? hmmmmmm.

tsnf!

finals tomorrow. i'm semi studying... i've started to give up. i think its cause i'm not working. if i had a more structured day, maybe i'd be more productive. i just keep thinking - i got C's on my last 2 tests in anthro, and i didn't really study, so hopefully i'll come out of the final with a C and then because of the curve either get a C or a B. that would be ideal... but lifes not usually ideal... or very fair... tsnf.

i did get a 97% in my geo 15 [lab class]. i rocked that one!! that study session reallllllllly helped. i had a feeling i did really well. OH and i have a hiking buddy! yesssss! SO stoked!! she is a really sweet girl... so happy i dont have to hike alone, at least for the next 6 months - she is moving to NC in the spring. boo.

OHHHHHHH... and the boy i have had a school girl crush on: a few of us were invited to study with him - and others. i actually talked to him... it was about school, but who cares. i was stoked to be close to the cute married boy. :) he is soooo dreamy. and he asked if we [i think he was directing the questions towards me or at least thats what i want to tell myself anyway] asked if i was going to take summer school... i guess he is... and he asked what class i was taking... i said something stupid and he corrected me, but who cares. i'm seriously in 7th grade right now... ugh. i hate my low confidence and i hate that i haven't done anything about it.

hiking. at least i have a new hiking buddy.

going back to school was the best idea ever. even though i'm stressing and i'm being very hard on myself... i'm so stoked on it.

alright, back to studying... i REALLY want a B or higher in geo.

after finals - abby's birthday. i heart her.

do you wish on 11:11?

i hate reflecting on past friendships... its almost worse than reflecting on the billy days. but i do it anyway... i miss javier. i don't quite know what happened to our friendship... i probably f'd it up somehow. i know i spilled the beans about something to his ex wife, but it wasn't a secret, as far as i knew... and that is definitely not the reason they got a divorce... whatever, i should be over it by now. its just... a million years ago he stood by me during some retarded drama and it just really touched my heart. i've always thought about how wonderful he was to do that... and i still really appreciate it. i wish he knew that. i really cared about him so much... and i still do.

creepy - i had a dream staring laura. she was a SUPER bitch to me... go figure. i dont remember anything about it except she was with some guy, that happened to be a good friend of mine, someone i had a mild crush on and i couldn't believe he liked her like that. OH and she had bleach blond hair, and it actually had some volume to it. weird. weird dream.

ahhh, i miss having a semi-life. and i miss... ... oh man, too much. STOP IT.

anyway... finals saturday. i'm not prepared at all. tomorrow i'll study with a group for geography, so i'll be a bit more prepared for that one than anthro... i'm doing semi okay in anthro (i have about a C) - but who knows what the final grade will be. ugh. i hope i pass. i really do. i just don't have the gusto for that class, i once had. geography on the other hand... i love. i still want to be a geographer in some form or fashion.

OH yeah... creepy... i was studying with a group today for anthro, it was me, 2 girls and this one guy... the creep freakin put his hand on my thigh!! what!? get outta here dude. i'm slowly becoming a nun i swear it... :(

i saw the hot guy in the library though... *sigh* he is so hot... married, but still hot. i still have no idea what his name is... i hope to see him again in one of my classes.

midnight. no studying done. i have to wake up early. yoga tomorrow? who knows if i'll make it... i sure hope i do. i could use a little relaxing. get me outta this rut. i need a job... it will help me fight the blahs.

i'm on a roll...

i'm so excited! i finally started working jackie's and amber's sweatshirts (and pants for amber)!! they are far from finished but so far i'm quite pleased with them. i do like jackies & the sweatpants the best... but once the ambers sweatshirt is finished i'm sure i'll like it. i'm so thrilled i remembered to take pictures also... i just have to remember to take pictures of them before they are given to their rightful owners. i forgot to do that with the last two.. and i want pictures of all my creations. its like art on clothes pretty much. anyway... i just wanted to document this occasion! haha.
xo

cakewalk is a dance.

i'm not off to a very good start on this new diet of mine... i have lowered my food intake, which is a step, but the things i've been eating aren't very healthy, to say the least. today consisted of: pop tarts (low fat at least), in n out and panda express. haha. whoa. bad. oh well... it was a holiday, those don't count right??

so i have to go back to reality tomorrow... i have a study session with michelle and i have done zero reading or even looking at my books. i'm a horrible student.

i hung out with ally tonight... and her boyfriend jared... wow. those two don't ever quit. always sexual innuendos! always! why can't they quit when they have company??? i don't quite understand when a couple HAS to flaunt their sex life in others faces... its weird and i dont really like it, to be honest. am i a prude? perhaps... maybe even envious, but when i was a couple and there was a "third wheel" i was never all over my boyfriend, i always tried to make sure the other person didn't feel uncomfortable. maybe thats why my relationships failed? haha i don't know about that... i'm sure that list is probably much longer and that reason would probably be on the VERY bottom if on it at all... sigh... i'm a love failure for sure.

this week: i MUST call dawn. i miss her to pieces.

AND... another friend of mine is getting married... and well, having a baby...

why do people still, in this day and age think getting married because you are pregnant is a good idea? dont get me wrong, great if you think he or she is the "one" then by all means, go to it... marriage, kids, picket fence... awesome... but "we're pregnant and i'm planning the wedding" is not hopefully ever going to come out my mouth. i'm okay with "we're pregnant" or "i'm planning my wedding", but both together just screams disaster to me. ALSO... why would you want to walk down the isle 6-9 months pregnant? or even right after you have a baby? wouldn't you want to wait to lose the baby weight? i dont know, i guess i would. and be cause i would, everyone else should too! i'm always right, damn it! i just didn't think shotgun weddings existed anymore. i guess they should... there would be less single parents out there... but at the same time, would there be more divorces? i mean is that possible? i guess i'm just writing out my butt... i dont know anything about being married, i barely know about being in a relationship... and i suck at that... so whatever. i hope to know what its about and i hope i make mistakes that someone else can critique, cause then at least i'll be in a relationship... one step closer to where i'm at now.

you know. i tried to write about him... but i can't. i guess there is too much stirring around in my mind to put it all on "paper". but i now know i can still have sex with him; just a phone call away... great. sadly... i did write his number down. i think this is the like millionth time i've had his number, stored in my phone and then deleted it... this time it was just written, but soon... i'll store it... then i'll delete it. i know the routine.

ugh, why did all this happen? ugh, why does time fly by so quickly... why have i wasted so much of it? there has to be a reason for it all... and i've been searching for the past like 6 years. PATHETIC. i realized i met him almost 10 years ago. TENNNNNNNNN YEEEEEEEEARS. ten years.

why does he still IM me?

alright... so i have decided... its time to buckle down. after todays hike i have realized its time to get busy. it felt good to be semi accomplished. i need more of that feeling... otherwise i will be living in a cave by the time i'm 30, which sadly isn't too far off...

so by july 1st... i want to have lost 15 pounds or size 8, whichever comes first. right now i'm at a sturdy 150 size 12 and thats just preposterous. wrong. not even slightly okay! i'm still the biggest i've been in ever in my life. i mean i was never "skinny" or anything, but i wasn't this big... except a year or so ago... i did get up to 173 and i lost 20 pounds and only ONE size. Ridiculous!!! so anyways... this is my first plan. THEN... by august 15th i want to be down another 15 pounds... and be at a solid size 6 (size 4 in some clothes, but thats cause those stores are sweet and make there clothes a little big [a & f for example]). So that is that. its in writing. it has to be done, right? haha. well... i hope i stick to this plan, my very happiness rests on it.

i have to go back to weight watchers and continue my working out... and i think it can be done. thats a little over 2 months, almost 3 months... i've done more in less time... so we'll see. if i really work hard, i think i can do it... plus i can't start a new job looking the way i look - not cause i look that bad, but because i feel soooooo ugly... and i need confidence to start a new job. so that is that. i guess you could say this is a major goal for me to accomplish before i'm 30, i cannot start my 30's feeling and looking like this.

i have an early day tomorrow... so i'm off to relax in bed. xoxo

happy memorial day?

yay! i FINALLY went hiking... and i thought i was going to die a lot, but i made it! i have been far too lazy lately and so hiking was extremely hard. but as i said, i did it. oh i love runyon.

kinda bummed out... my plans for this weekend were canceled, so yet another boring weekend of nothingness. i hope that i can make plans with other people... i've been rather depressed due to the nothingness that is my life. although i do have a lot of studying to do. a lot of studying. plus the field trip for school with my parents... i hope it turns out fun and doesn't take forever. i'll just make the best out of this weekend... i hate that all my friends have families... ugh. why do i have to be so behind?

alright... so i'm off to either take a shower or take a shower.

happy memorial day?

glory days

ahh! so annoying, i can NEVER remember my log in, to this journal. haha. its so simple but i can't for the life of me remember it. i don't know why it signs me out even though i have the "remember me" checked.

anyway...........

i found an old high school [sort of] friend on myspace, [darren w.]... and ... he didn't remember me. haha!! i probably should be bummed about this, but for some reason i just don't care. i guess cause i wasn't really into him back in the day... he was awesome for the sex [i'm such a slut] and we had fun but i didn't really like him like that at least i dont remember liking him like that, i do remember wanting to fix him though... and i remember he asked me to marry him... hahahaha and he doesn't remember. thats seriously classic. i remember we were sitting at a park and it was late at night, [cause we only hung out late at night] and he was telling me about how he was going away to college and that he had this whole life plan for the two of us. [he was probably drunk or high or something] and his life plan was... he would go to college, get a great job and then come back and marry me. i told him he was nuts and i let him down, [he really was a little nuts] and he said he was dead serious and all this and i said "well, we'll see". i dont remember much of anything ever, but i do remember this clear as day. kinda funny. but whats even funnier is... he doesn't remember me! haha! how can you not remember me?? i got kicked out of his house for being too loud, if you know what i mean. i was such a little whore.

anyway... according to his myspace, he seems like the same dork as he ever was... and he has HORRIBLE tattoos, at least thats my opinion. he is a big jock type... and he really did grow up very good looking, i mean he was always really hot, but he grew up nicely. and i hope the very best for him. he was such a messed up kid way back when... i hope all of his dreams come true.

alright... enough about that... i have so many things to accomplish today and i haven't done a single one of them. terribleness. bon au revoir.

never a bride.

i think my friend ally is engaged. fuck. always a brides maid..........

i'ma go find out right now.

lame.

**update** **i was wrong**

not getting married, yet... he is moving in with her. gay.
i am not a fan of the boyfriend/girlfriend living together situation... i know it works for some, but i'm still very anti. i didn't tell her any of my negative thoughts on it, just congratulated her and pretended to be excited. she was distracted by tv, so it was rather annoying talking to her. she is basically my sister and we talk like 4 times a year... we correspond by email or myspace, but we dont actually talk that often. [i wonder if that is how sisters really are? haha] whatever though. i'm happy for her, i really am... i'm just envious of all my friends that are moving on with their lives and here i am stuck. stuck where i've been for years and years. i know its my fault i'm so stuck... but i just cant figure out how to get out of my rut...

i'm so dumb.

[lynn, you're right... i need to stop thinking! haha]

i was sitting here going through my old journal and reading old entries from like 2002, there aren't many since i deleted almost all of them... [i wish i hadn't]... and just making me think again... i want to be the old me. i'd almost welcome the heartache i was going through, just to feel something again... i haven't had feelings in so long that i dont know if i'll ever feel something ever again. bleh.

anyway... i ended up lurking around my livejournal for so long i missed my nail appointment. i'm so good at wasting time. it is one of my many valuable talents. so dumb... and its so hard to type with these nails... tooooooooo long! i hate my nail place so put off getting them done... the asshole [that i dont get my nails done by] stole the tire cap thing... the little thing that caps off where you put the air into the tire... whatever its called... right in front of me [!!] he stole it. asshole. i have to look for a new nail place... i need to ask missy where she gets her nails done... maybe i'll ask her today and go there tomorrow... and say 'f you' to ventura nails. i'm seriously so mad at that guy... and i'm REALLY mad that i didn't say anything. i'm so dumb. [this is what my car tire looks like now, so pissed]

alright... i better get to reading... i'm almost done with chapter 6... then i'll only have chapter 7, 9, 11, 12! woo! haha! i'm going to bomb this test.... oh god help me.

xo

stuck. stuck. stuck.

i have a test on wednesday and i have not read a single page of the 6 chapters its on. typical me. tomorrow i guess i'll be busting my ass reading about primates. oh the thrill of it all.

so lately i have been wanting a different life more and more. i lurk peoples myspace or journals [pathetically] and their lives just sound and look so much more fun than mine. i hate that. i want to change... i need a change. so i'm going to try, keyword here "try" and change stuff about myself. i'm just so stuck. and i hate it.

slowly a lot of my friends are turning 30 and i need more before i welcome that number into my life. i've been dealing with being 29 better, i think. i literally have to tell myself i'm 29 [in my head] or i will forget. i dont feel 29, i still feel 24. and i just keep seeing everyone else get older and i'm staying in the same place. this is very frustrating... i am stuck.

i ask myself on a daily basis... why is it i'm not getting older but everyone else is? i mean this in a lifestyle way not in an age way... obviously i'm getting older, but i'm not "growing up" - whatever that means. i can't really describe it that well, but i cry thinking about it... and i cry often lately. i'm so unhappy with everything and i dont know how to dig myself out of this rut. i need to get a job, that will help a whole lot i know... i have too much time on my hands.

i keep hoping that my stubborn mind won't stop me from doing the things that will help me. but this mind is awfully stubborn. i have such an internal fight going on, i am definitly at war with myself. every day i say "this is the day! this is the day i'm goign to start doing [insert change here]" and i do the very opposite. it is driving me CRAZY!! AND my mood is just horrible... i need therapy. i just don't feel like i have anyone to talk to or that would understand... so therapy is definitely in order.

i've also been lurking old love interests... and boy have i screwed up a few that i really regret. well... one in particular... todd jones. i just wish him and i were friends. thats all. i dont want him in a lov- interest-y way. i miss his friendship... he was just so amazing to talk to. i miss him. i'm really sad that things ended up the way they did. i think i hurt him... i think he liked me a lot and i didn't choose him... not that, that was the reason he got hurt... i just wasn't very nice. and i regret that. i regret few things... but that is definitely one of the things i regret.

ugh, and i envy too much.

okay enough random thinking... another thing that is in order: sleep. i'm tired.

...at least i've opened this can of worms... for future entries....

oh boy...

i have like 3 seconds before i have to leave for my second installment of lovely saturday school. bum out. 3.5 more hours, and that's all! and its geography and i love this class oh so much. funny thing would be if i actually became a geographer... i wonder if you have to travel to be a geographer, i'm not big on staying in a strange place for more than a couple weeks... i guess its on the long list of questions about geography as a major.

anyway... i just finished anthro for today and i have NO idea how i'm going to pass the next test... he was reading off a few questions... and i had NO answers. none. haha. last test (compared to the rest of the class) i did okay on. i got a 61 which was the average for the class... so the way he curves, i would get a C on that one. i hope to goodness i get at least a B on the next test and then a C or better on the final... i think that way i'd at least pass the class... and then GOOD BYE ANTHRO!!! i won't be seeing you again anytime soon, well, except in the day to day evolution before my eyes kinda way. ha! anyway...

life's been super crazy boring... i need some adventure in my life... i need to accomplish things before i go back to work... and before i turn the dreaded... three-zero! dun dun dun... i tell myself everyday i'm going to start my list and actually cross things off... yet, i have had no motivation to start. this starting tomorrow will change... look its in print... so i have to do it. :)

Ah, school time!!!
xo

scream 4

i just want to scream! i'm going out of my mind right now... i don't understand a thing i'm reading in my anthropology book... i want to throw it out the window. its so frustrating... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhakieuraworyq2o945yq9[2ohn .QLO/. that actually felt good.

how i'm going to pass the test #1 in anthropology i have no idea. well, i have no idea what will be on the test considering the teacher hasn't given us any guidance and the test is in a week. good job, teach. i need to chill out for a minute. i need to make my bed too. i have only been reading for like 45 minutes, but it feels like a eternity. was going back to school a mistake? i dont know... i'm really freaking out. i think its just such a shock to my system, i haven't HAD to read in like 10 years... maybe more... [and i haven't] so i think its normal to be freaking out like this. i hope it is and i hope i pass, at least barely pass... if i fail, i'll probably stab myself. i'll be so bummed out. lately, i fail at everything... but i'm really trying not to fail this time. i better get back to reading. maybe i should take a walk... i bet that will help clear my mind. or is that me trying to avoid reading? probably both. <3

just my imagination?

i've been home for 2 days now... and i have seriously received zero phone calls from my friends. i know this might sound like i'm feeling sorry for myself... like "pity.. party of one?" but... well, i guess i am. i called my two closest friends yesterday and i haven't heard back. that sucks... especially since its been around 5 days since we last spoke... and only god knows when the last time we hung out was. i know they have families and all... but i feel so bummed out. i wont let them know it, cause that won't do any of us any good... but i'm really sad.

so i'm going to sit here and feel bad for me. and then i'm going to go run errands. fun days.

classic maria.

it took me over a week to figure out what the hell my log on is. NICE. i have just about 3 passwords and i use the same freakin user name for everything. i can't believe how difficult this was for me.

anyway... i went to vegas this weekend... it was cool. even a horrible vegas trip is still pretty cool. i thought about CSI the whole time though. and how i didn't want to end up being an episode idea for the writers. vegas scares me also cause of james... who knows what happened... scary place with LOTS of creeps. i guess everywhere has lots of creeps, but vegas... eek. anyway... too much thought is being put into this. so the whole reason i went to vegas was to see my friend get married... whelp... classic maria... i missed the fucking wedding. yes, i missed it. we left the house we were staying at pretty late... and i knew we'd be late, but i didn't think AN HOUR AND A HALF late. so i was balling my eyes out and feeling oh so sorry for myself... and missy and i fought... ugh, i wont get into this too much... but... i missed the wedding. the whole reason i drove 803 miles... missed it. i feel like such an asshole. i was such a wreck... i hate that i miss things like this. i'm so dumb sometimes. if i were the person i wish i was, this would have NEVER happened... first of all... i would have gotten a room at Paris... and not stayed 20-30 miles away from the strip. UGH! i could just punch myself... ugh.

on a better note... school starts in 2 days... wednesday, april 11, 2007 at 6pm. this is the start of a new me. i'm going to do well... even better than "well" i'm going to do better than my very best. okay, thats a little too much pressure... i'm going to try my best and really work at it. i give up on things all too easy. thats one of my biggest hurdles. i give up. i'm okay with losing. and i dont want to be like that anymore. i want really work hard... cause i know the pay off feels a lot better than how i feel right now. i feel like a failure. i am a failure; but i'm going to fight that urge to fail tooth and nail! (that rhymed haha)

alright... so thats that... this chair i'm sitting on is SO not comfortable... so i'm getting up, although i just moved and i'm much more comfortable now. haha. funny. i still need to take back a cable box thats been in my car over a week AND i need to buy my school books... fuckin $200+ for BOOKS. thats just not necessary! why do they need that much money for a book????? i just need to get over it and buy them though... luckily i live with my parents now... otherwise how would i afford school???

xo

living alone never sounded like a possibility...

i hate this week. f this week. i cannot wait for it to be freakin sunday and be done with this stupid mess.

i hate my old roommates... not only is one of them psycho, but she is also a thief. so over her. she thinks she is entitled to everything. well, guess what?? YOU'RE NOT!!! so fucking retarded... AND... i hate them for not doing their dishes; which i did for them. it was like deja vu. lazy fucking retards. i moved out fucking 2 weeks ago... i even cleaned before i moved out... and you both just let the place go to crap. i know we're having a cleaning lady come in and clean, but fuck you if you think shes going to want to clean up all this shit on her own. and for only $60?! you are on crack L. and W... get the fuck over yourself... you aren't any sort of victim... "wah wah... i've only lived here for 5 months" fuck off... we're all moving out, not just you, you fucking crybaby. fuck. i can't wait for sunday, then i'm done and i never have to deal with either of them again.

i still have to paint and move the rest of my crap out... which i'm off to do right now. i can't wait to be done. i hate when L calls me... cause she is such a fucking bossy bitch. i can't stand it. i was going to just let the paint costs slide, but fuck no, not anymore. she stole (which is totally stupid, but its the principal of it all) my fucking broom... she NEVER bought cleaning supplies, besides one swiffer... and she has the gall to fucking steal my cleaning stuff?? not that i need it, its just she didn't even ask for it. she just fucking took it. AND she took something else, probably cause she is going to take it back to get money. so fuck you, L... i'm D O N E... done!! at this point... i don't want to talk to her at all.

fucking so annoyed!!!! such crybabies... i'm so over it.

alright, still...

(i googled college student, and this is what i found)
so its official! i'm a college student! woo! so scared out of my freaking mind! yay! i have to still take the assessment test, but at least i'm signed up and paid for. i have to go back tomorrow and look at the books, write down all that info and look for them for cheap via the internet. cause man... the books will cost me MORE than the classes did. thats just not right. so yeah. i'll make sure i'm prepared for school come april 9th, i'm not going to procrastinate on this anymore. i just hope to god that i do okay. i am taking anthropology and geography (plus lab)... those two classes don't sound easy. we'll see though, i guess. i am hoping for the best for sure.

AND shockingly enough, i got up at 7am this morning, did a few things and then i went to yoga. that nearly never happens. okay, it never happens. so i'm super proud of myself. things that didn't get accomplished today: cable company visit, cleaning crew appointment, moving the rest of my junk over, painting the old house, patching holes, paying the rest of my bills, golden spoon. i'm sure there is more, but i can't think of them at this moment. i did buy a bikini though... too bad i got the wrong size, darn it. its soooooo amazing though, see:



i can't wait to lose more weight and be able to look like that in it. HA!

okay, so i'm a tad obsessed with the cd below... amazing!


i literally want to drive around just so i can listen to it... i tried to get tickets to her show in san diego & the one at the gibson, but no luck. both sold out. LAME. i tried to buy them on craigslist too! no luck again. whatever. i better get tickets the next time she plays...

anyway... i'm off to go do nothing. golden spoon in 2 hours; can't wait! cake batter, i'm coming!!

oh yeah!

oh yeah and... i've been bored, so that only means one serious thing. new tattoos are as follows: like this one, but think "hearts"....

and the other one, yes i'm copying this picture, i dont care, lets be honest... does ANYONE have a truly original idea? not so much.


i look forward to posting pictures of the finished product... hopefully VERY soon.

wheat grass??? FEET GRASS!

ugh. this living with my parents thing can and will be getting to me at times.

and ugh. i have lost it completely. "it" can be defined as almost anything these days.

i checked out the PACE program online today, it looks pretty simple to get into, i just have to hope i didn't wait too long and there is still space available. first two classes: anthropology & geography. oh boy. i'm in for a real treat, eh?

i lost like 10 pounds in the past week or two. sweet deal. this no job thing is a great diet. i'm going to the gym tonight for sure, i'm gunna have to keep this shit up. golden spoon diet is rockin also. although, i didn't go today. lame. i'm craving the cake batter... mmmmmmm...

i was supposed to be at the swallows day celebration today... the only day this year it would have been socially okay for me to be drunk a) in public and b) during the day time ...and i skipped it. what's the matter with me? will i have this opportunity next year? i'm not so sure. lame.

snap.

oh man. best day. first i met up with nickey and mary and went to the griffith observatory... it was freaking amazing. the planetarium, was just breath taking! i was amazed at how amazing it was. (i wrote amazing so much just now) i want to go back there every day, seriously. too bad it costs money to take the scariest shuttle over there; and then money to see the planetarium, naturally that should cost money, but heck... the shuttle costs more! what the crap? anyway... then while we were walking to meet up with geni for lunch at kung pow kitty, we get a flier to be in the audience for David Spades "Showbiz Show", so excited... i LOVE him. THEN... after lunch we went shopping; bought way too much hello kitty stuff... but oh well. after we drove to the show; while standing in line, we met some weirdo guys, (but they were hilariously funny,) and were asked to participate in an audience game show type thing. UM yeah, best thing ever. its a play on that "are you smarter than a 5th grader" game show... so long story short; funny as hell show, i hadn't laughed like that in forever. i could barely breath. and nickey is a movie star... she was the one that got asked the questions. i might be on the show for like .3 seconds, but still... it was amazing. i love love love david spade. after that, we went home. i'm so tired. it was a long wonderful day. i really needed this day.

i still have moving and painting to do. not to mention cleaning, like whoa huge amounts of cleaning. and this weekend i will hopefully be able to go to swallows day. that will be another fun time. <3

insomnia.

so i've been having more and more trouble sleeping lately. i went to bed at like 3am this morning; then woke up at 4:30am (cause of my cats) and then didn't fall back asleep until 8am - waking up at like 11ish. ugh. worst sleep ever. and i'm not even a little tired right now. i'm actually pretty wired. believe it or not... i only had a little caffeine today.

i did some thinking; and its not that i'm not ready to move to the oc; i'm scared. i'm deathly afraid of change; always have been (but i'm not afraid of semi-colons). i could move there, most people my age would, given this chance (and circumstances)... i think anyway. i'm just afraid to move from family and my friends here. i dont have many friends here, my bestest moved to OC and well... the other friends i have here have husbands & kid; well, one of them just has a boyfriend, no kid. i thought i had more friends out this way, weird. anyway... it does make sense to move down there. my friends there are single and younger... but i'm just afraid i'd get really lonely. it really all comes back to, i'm afraid, deathly afraid of change.

hung out with todd piperi the other night. it was cool; guy hasn't changed, not that i thought he had or would have... but still. just interesting. can't say my high school crush is gone though; some things just don't go away. hopefully him and i can hang out again sometime... we'll see though. i want to be friends. again.

um, what else... griffith observatory tomorrow with nickey & mary... that is super exciting. i wish i had more money, cause i think we're going shopping afterwards. stupid unemployment; although, if i had a job i wouldn't be going.

then this weekend... i'm supposed to go to nevada with ally, i think? she hasn't called, and well, if i were driving to another state i would have made the plans with the other person by now; especially since she wants to leave thursday at 1pm. god i hope i dont have to go. it is SERIOUSLY bad timing. maybe i'll message her.. or call her tomorrow and see if i can get out of it. i dont know the girl she is visiting in nevada, i mean i did like 14 years ago, and i honestly didn't like her. she punched me in the stomach once. can't say she is high on my list. damn i hope i can get out of it.

anyway... i'm going to go lay down and pretend to unwind.
xo

why is it that this stuff happens when i'm not ready? WHY?

i was potentially offered a job in orange county. OF COURSE! when i'm totally not ready to move down there. i need to save money, i need a place to live w/roommates, there is no possible way to live down there alone. its too expensive to live up here alone, there is certainly no way i could live there by myself. nor would i want to. i'd be so depressed... i dont think i can ever live alone.

ugh.

why.

anyway... i'm so bummed... so the potential job in orange county; starting immediately and will probably pay pretty well... but OF COURSE... bad timing. OF COURSE. i have no money to move and i have no where to live down there even if i had money. so lame. this stuff ALWAYS happens. ALWAYS... murphy's law, isn't it?

lame.

my sort of plan is to move down to orange county in like 6 months or something; and my dream was... that my friend ally's boyfriend would be needing a roommate by then and him and i would get an apartment. at the same time, i would find this amazing job and i could go to OCC for a while... then transfer to fullerton. then the masters program, where ever, and then i'd become this brilliant/amazing/life changing therapist. haha. it could happen! haha. my life in a nutshell.

so i have the job (potentially), but all the rest is a bit out of reach for now. so all i can do is hope that the job will become available when everything else becomes available too. we'll see, i guess.

FRUSTRATED!! sad.

get it right.

so bummed out tonight.

i'm moving back with my parents. i dont want to move back with my parents; at the same time, its for the best. i just worry about what i'm going to do to get out of my parents house... how will i afford to live on my own again? fuck. i know i'll work that out when that time comes... but for now, i'm just freakin out. i hate change. i've always hated change.

i know this sounds totally lame, but i also worry about my kitties... i dont want them to freak out or anything. ugh. ugh. ugh.

and why did i fuck up a perfectly good friendship? so bummed about that as well. i rarely think of this dude and i rarely miss him, but for the past two days, i've really missed him. we were close for a period of time; and then i had to go and choose the wrong path, aka boyfriend. why do i make such stupid mistakes? ugh. i waste too much time. tomorrow i'm starting new. no more wasting time. i think i should hit the gym tonight; i've been way too bummed out lately... and i think that not working out has not helped any. so bummed out. fuck. i really miss todd. lame. i'm totally lurking his myspace, which he recreated and didn't add me as a friend. i know i shouldn't care; and i basically dont... but at the same time, i wish we were still semi close friends. oh well. moving on...

moving. ugh. i'm going to cry. i'm too old to be in the place i'm in. tomorrow i'm doing a few things to change my mood: yoga, gym, waking up early, eating right, finishing chores i've been putting off for weeks... and hopefully doing something fun; i so wanted to roller skate tonight... damn it.

ah, i miss todd. i know i'll get over it and move on, but damn it... i wish he would just talk to me like he used to. damn me and f'ing things up.

p.s.

for the pro list: not having to clean out any one else's hair from the fricken shower drain. sick.

time for.

i figured it was time for a new journal. so here we are. enjoying something new.

i've been thinking a lot lately, well i have plenty of time to do so... no job has that affect on me. i reflect way too much. i'm trying to pause time; and at the same time, i am stalling my life. i am trying too hard to go back in the past, that i'm wasting my present/future. i need to focus on the now not the then.

i talk too much about billy still. its been literally 5 years since it truly stopped. 5 years is a long time to still hold on. somethings gotta give. i've deleted him from AIM, my phone and i've taken a vow to never lurk him again. today i'm letting go, but not forgetting; its nice to hold on to old memories, but not live for them. i still live for the old days... i need to live for these days.

okay enough of that... i have stuff to do. bills to pay. fun.