living alone never sounded like a possibility...

i hate this week. f this week. i cannot wait for it to be freakin sunday and be done with this stupid mess.

i hate my old roommates... not only is one of them psycho, but she is also a thief. so over her. she thinks she is entitled to everything. well, guess what?? YOU'RE NOT!!! so fucking retarded... AND... i hate them for not doing their dishes; which i did for them. it was like deja vu. lazy fucking retards. i moved out fucking 2 weeks ago... i even cleaned before i moved out... and you both just let the place go to crap. i know we're having a cleaning lady come in and clean, but fuck you if you think shes going to want to clean up all this shit on her own. and for only $60?! you are on crack L. and W... get the fuck over yourself... you aren't any sort of victim... "wah wah... i've only lived here for 5 months" fuck off... we're all moving out, not just you, you fucking crybaby. fuck. i can't wait for sunday, then i'm done and i never have to deal with either of them again.

i still have to paint and move the rest of my crap out... which i'm off to do right now. i can't wait to be done. i hate when L calls me... cause she is such a fucking bossy bitch. i can't stand it. i was going to just let the paint costs slide, but fuck no, not anymore. she stole (which is totally stupid, but its the principal of it all) my fucking broom... she NEVER bought cleaning supplies, besides one swiffer... and she has the gall to fucking steal my cleaning stuff?? not that i need it, its just she didn't even ask for it. she just fucking took it. AND she took something else, probably cause she is going to take it back to get money. so fuck you, L... i'm D O N E... done!! at this point... i don't want to talk to her at all.

fucking so annoyed!!!! such crybabies... i'm so over it.

alright, still...

(i googled college student, and this is what i found)
so its official! i'm a college student! woo! so scared out of my freaking mind! yay! i have to still take the assessment test, but at least i'm signed up and paid for. i have to go back tomorrow and look at the books, write down all that info and look for them for cheap via the internet. cause man... the books will cost me MORE than the classes did. thats just not right. so yeah. i'll make sure i'm prepared for school come april 9th, i'm not going to procrastinate on this anymore. i just hope to god that i do okay. i am taking anthropology and geography (plus lab)... those two classes don't sound easy. we'll see though, i guess. i am hoping for the best for sure.

AND shockingly enough, i got up at 7am this morning, did a few things and then i went to yoga. that nearly never happens. okay, it never happens. so i'm super proud of myself. things that didn't get accomplished today: cable company visit, cleaning crew appointment, moving the rest of my junk over, painting the old house, patching holes, paying the rest of my bills, golden spoon. i'm sure there is more, but i can't think of them at this moment. i did buy a bikini though... too bad i got the wrong size, darn it. its soooooo amazing though, see:



i can't wait to lose more weight and be able to look like that in it. HA!

okay, so i'm a tad obsessed with the cd below... amazing!


i literally want to drive around just so i can listen to it... i tried to get tickets to her show in san diego & the one at the gibson, but no luck. both sold out. LAME. i tried to buy them on craigslist too! no luck again. whatever. i better get tickets the next time she plays...

anyway... i'm off to go do nothing. golden spoon in 2 hours; can't wait! cake batter, i'm coming!!

oh yeah!

oh yeah and... i've been bored, so that only means one serious thing. new tattoos are as follows: like this one, but think "hearts"....

and the other one, yes i'm copying this picture, i dont care, lets be honest... does ANYONE have a truly original idea? not so much.


i look forward to posting pictures of the finished product... hopefully VERY soon.

wheat grass??? FEET GRASS!

ugh. this living with my parents thing can and will be getting to me at times.

and ugh. i have lost it completely. "it" can be defined as almost anything these days.

i checked out the PACE program online today, it looks pretty simple to get into, i just have to hope i didn't wait too long and there is still space available. first two classes: anthropology & geography. oh boy. i'm in for a real treat, eh?

i lost like 10 pounds in the past week or two. sweet deal. this no job thing is a great diet. i'm going to the gym tonight for sure, i'm gunna have to keep this shit up. golden spoon diet is rockin also. although, i didn't go today. lame. i'm craving the cake batter... mmmmmmm...

i was supposed to be at the swallows day celebration today... the only day this year it would have been socially okay for me to be drunk a) in public and b) during the day time ...and i skipped it. what's the matter with me? will i have this opportunity next year? i'm not so sure. lame.

snap.

oh man. best day. first i met up with nickey and mary and went to the griffith observatory... it was freaking amazing. the planetarium, was just breath taking! i was amazed at how amazing it was. (i wrote amazing so much just now) i want to go back there every day, seriously. too bad it costs money to take the scariest shuttle over there; and then money to see the planetarium, naturally that should cost money, but heck... the shuttle costs more! what the crap? anyway... then while we were walking to meet up with geni for lunch at kung pow kitty, we get a flier to be in the audience for David Spades "Showbiz Show", so excited... i LOVE him. THEN... after lunch we went shopping; bought way too much hello kitty stuff... but oh well. after we drove to the show; while standing in line, we met some weirdo guys, (but they were hilariously funny,) and were asked to participate in an audience game show type thing. UM yeah, best thing ever. its a play on that "are you smarter than a 5th grader" game show... so long story short; funny as hell show, i hadn't laughed like that in forever. i could barely breath. and nickey is a movie star... she was the one that got asked the questions. i might be on the show for like .3 seconds, but still... it was amazing. i love love love david spade. after that, we went home. i'm so tired. it was a long wonderful day. i really needed this day.

i still have moving and painting to do. not to mention cleaning, like whoa huge amounts of cleaning. and this weekend i will hopefully be able to go to swallows day. that will be another fun time. <3

insomnia.

so i've been having more and more trouble sleeping lately. i went to bed at like 3am this morning; then woke up at 4:30am (cause of my cats) and then didn't fall back asleep until 8am - waking up at like 11ish. ugh. worst sleep ever. and i'm not even a little tired right now. i'm actually pretty wired. believe it or not... i only had a little caffeine today.

i did some thinking; and its not that i'm not ready to move to the oc; i'm scared. i'm deathly afraid of change; always have been (but i'm not afraid of semi-colons). i could move there, most people my age would, given this chance (and circumstances)... i think anyway. i'm just afraid to move from family and my friends here. i dont have many friends here, my bestest moved to OC and well... the other friends i have here have husbands & kid; well, one of them just has a boyfriend, no kid. i thought i had more friends out this way, weird. anyway... it does make sense to move down there. my friends there are single and younger... but i'm just afraid i'd get really lonely. it really all comes back to, i'm afraid, deathly afraid of change.

hung out with todd piperi the other night. it was cool; guy hasn't changed, not that i thought he had or would have... but still. just interesting. can't say my high school crush is gone though; some things just don't go away. hopefully him and i can hang out again sometime... we'll see though. i want to be friends. again.

um, what else... griffith observatory tomorrow with nickey & mary... that is super exciting. i wish i had more money, cause i think we're going shopping afterwards. stupid unemployment; although, if i had a job i wouldn't be going.

then this weekend... i'm supposed to go to nevada with ally, i think? she hasn't called, and well, if i were driving to another state i would have made the plans with the other person by now; especially since she wants to leave thursday at 1pm. god i hope i dont have to go. it is SERIOUSLY bad timing. maybe i'll message her.. or call her tomorrow and see if i can get out of it. i dont know the girl she is visiting in nevada, i mean i did like 14 years ago, and i honestly didn't like her. she punched me in the stomach once. can't say she is high on my list. damn i hope i can get out of it.

anyway... i'm going to go lay down and pretend to unwind.
xo

why is it that this stuff happens when i'm not ready? WHY?

i was potentially offered a job in orange county. OF COURSE! when i'm totally not ready to move down there. i need to save money, i need a place to live w/roommates, there is no possible way to live down there alone. its too expensive to live up here alone, there is certainly no way i could live there by myself. nor would i want to. i'd be so depressed... i dont think i can ever live alone.

ugh.

why.

anyway... i'm so bummed... so the potential job in orange county; starting immediately and will probably pay pretty well... but OF COURSE... bad timing. OF COURSE. i have no money to move and i have no where to live down there even if i had money. so lame. this stuff ALWAYS happens. ALWAYS... murphy's law, isn't it?

lame.

my sort of plan is to move down to orange county in like 6 months or something; and my dream was... that my friend ally's boyfriend would be needing a roommate by then and him and i would get an apartment. at the same time, i would find this amazing job and i could go to OCC for a while... then transfer to fullerton. then the masters program, where ever, and then i'd become this brilliant/amazing/life changing therapist. haha. it could happen! haha. my life in a nutshell.

so i have the job (potentially), but all the rest is a bit out of reach for now. so all i can do is hope that the job will become available when everything else becomes available too. we'll see, i guess.

FRUSTRATED!! sad.

get it right.

so bummed out tonight.

i'm moving back with my parents. i dont want to move back with my parents; at the same time, its for the best. i just worry about what i'm going to do to get out of my parents house... how will i afford to live on my own again? fuck. i know i'll work that out when that time comes... but for now, i'm just freakin out. i hate change. i've always hated change.

i know this sounds totally lame, but i also worry about my kitties... i dont want them to freak out or anything. ugh. ugh. ugh.

and why did i fuck up a perfectly good friendship? so bummed about that as well. i rarely think of this dude and i rarely miss him, but for the past two days, i've really missed him. we were close for a period of time; and then i had to go and choose the wrong path, aka boyfriend. why do i make such stupid mistakes? ugh. i waste too much time. tomorrow i'm starting new. no more wasting time. i think i should hit the gym tonight; i've been way too bummed out lately... and i think that not working out has not helped any. so bummed out. fuck. i really miss todd. lame. i'm totally lurking his myspace, which he recreated and didn't add me as a friend. i know i shouldn't care; and i basically dont... but at the same time, i wish we were still semi close friends. oh well. moving on...

moving. ugh. i'm going to cry. i'm too old to be in the place i'm in. tomorrow i'm doing a few things to change my mood: yoga, gym, waking up early, eating right, finishing chores i've been putting off for weeks... and hopefully doing something fun; i so wanted to roller skate tonight... damn it.

ah, i miss todd. i know i'll get over it and move on, but damn it... i wish he would just talk to me like he used to. damn me and f'ing things up.

p.s.

for the pro list: not having to clean out any one else's hair from the fricken shower drain. sick.

time for.

i figured it was time for a new journal. so here we are. enjoying something new.

i've been thinking a lot lately, well i have plenty of time to do so... no job has that affect on me. i reflect way too much. i'm trying to pause time; and at the same time, i am stalling my life. i am trying too hard to go back in the past, that i'm wasting my present/future. i need to focus on the now not the then.

i talk too much about billy still. its been literally 5 years since it truly stopped. 5 years is a long time to still hold on. somethings gotta give. i've deleted him from AIM, my phone and i've taken a vow to never lurk him again. today i'm letting go, but not forgetting; its nice to hold on to old memories, but not live for them. i still live for the old days... i need to live for these days.

okay enough of that... i have stuff to do. bills to pay. fun.