do you wish on 11:11?

i hate reflecting on past friendships... its almost worse than reflecting on the billy days. but i do it anyway... i miss javier. i don't quite know what happened to our friendship... i probably f'd it up somehow. i know i spilled the beans about something to his ex wife, but it wasn't a secret, as far as i knew... and that is definitely not the reason they got a divorce... whatever, i should be over it by now. its just... a million years ago he stood by me during some retarded drama and it just really touched my heart. i've always thought about how wonderful he was to do that... and i still really appreciate it. i wish he knew that. i really cared about him so much... and i still do.

creepy - i had a dream staring laura. she was a SUPER bitch to me... go figure. i dont remember anything about it except she was with some guy, that happened to be a good friend of mine, someone i had a mild crush on and i couldn't believe he liked her like that. OH and she had bleach blond hair, and it actually had some volume to it. weird. weird dream.

ahhh, i miss having a semi-life. and i miss... ... oh man, too much. STOP IT.

anyway... finals saturday. i'm not prepared at all. tomorrow i'll study with a group for geography, so i'll be a bit more prepared for that one than anthro... i'm doing semi okay in anthro (i have about a C) - but who knows what the final grade will be. ugh. i hope i pass. i really do. i just don't have the gusto for that class, i once had. geography on the other hand... i love. i still want to be a geographer in some form or fashion.

OH yeah... creepy... i was studying with a group today for anthro, it was me, 2 girls and this one guy... the creep freakin put his hand on my thigh!! what!? get outta here dude. i'm slowly becoming a nun i swear it... :(

i saw the hot guy in the library though... *sigh* he is so hot... married, but still hot. i still have no idea what his name is... i hope to see him again in one of my classes.

midnight. no studying done. i have to wake up early. yoga tomorrow? who knows if i'll make it... i sure hope i do. i could use a little relaxing. get me outta this rut. i need a job... it will help me fight the blahs.

i'm on a roll...

i'm so excited! i finally started working jackie's and amber's sweatshirts (and pants for amber)!! they are far from finished but so far i'm quite pleased with them. i do like jackies & the sweatpants the best... but once the ambers sweatshirt is finished i'm sure i'll like it. i'm so thrilled i remembered to take pictures also... i just have to remember to take pictures of them before they are given to their rightful owners. i forgot to do that with the last two.. and i want pictures of all my creations. its like art on clothes pretty much. anyway... i just wanted to document this occasion! haha.
xo

cakewalk is a dance.

i'm not off to a very good start on this new diet of mine... i have lowered my food intake, which is a step, but the things i've been eating aren't very healthy, to say the least. today consisted of: pop tarts (low fat at least), in n out and panda express. haha. whoa. bad. oh well... it was a holiday, those don't count right??

so i have to go back to reality tomorrow... i have a study session with michelle and i have done zero reading or even looking at my books. i'm a horrible student.

i hung out with ally tonight... and her boyfriend jared... wow. those two don't ever quit. always sexual innuendos! always! why can't they quit when they have company??? i don't quite understand when a couple HAS to flaunt their sex life in others faces... its weird and i dont really like it, to be honest. am i a prude? perhaps... maybe even envious, but when i was a couple and there was a "third wheel" i was never all over my boyfriend, i always tried to make sure the other person didn't feel uncomfortable. maybe thats why my relationships failed? haha i don't know about that... i'm sure that list is probably much longer and that reason would probably be on the VERY bottom if on it at all... sigh... i'm a love failure for sure.

this week: i MUST call dawn. i miss her to pieces.

AND... another friend of mine is getting married... and well, having a baby...

why do people still, in this day and age think getting married because you are pregnant is a good idea? dont get me wrong, great if you think he or she is the "one" then by all means, go to it... marriage, kids, picket fence... awesome... but "we're pregnant and i'm planning the wedding" is not hopefully ever going to come out my mouth. i'm okay with "we're pregnant" or "i'm planning my wedding", but both together just screams disaster to me. ALSO... why would you want to walk down the isle 6-9 months pregnant? or even right after you have a baby? wouldn't you want to wait to lose the baby weight? i dont know, i guess i would. and be cause i would, everyone else should too! i'm always right, damn it! i just didn't think shotgun weddings existed anymore. i guess they should... there would be less single parents out there... but at the same time, would there be more divorces? i mean is that possible? i guess i'm just writing out my butt... i dont know anything about being married, i barely know about being in a relationship... and i suck at that... so whatever. i hope to know what its about and i hope i make mistakes that someone else can critique, cause then at least i'll be in a relationship... one step closer to where i'm at now.

you know. i tried to write about him... but i can't. i guess there is too much stirring around in my mind to put it all on "paper". but i now know i can still have sex with him; just a phone call away... great. sadly... i did write his number down. i think this is the like millionth time i've had his number, stored in my phone and then deleted it... this time it was just written, but soon... i'll store it... then i'll delete it. i know the routine.

ugh, why did all this happen? ugh, why does time fly by so quickly... why have i wasted so much of it? there has to be a reason for it all... and i've been searching for the past like 6 years. PATHETIC. i realized i met him almost 10 years ago. TENNNNNNNNN YEEEEEEEEARS. ten years.

why does he still IM me?

alright... so i have decided... its time to buckle down. after todays hike i have realized its time to get busy. it felt good to be semi accomplished. i need more of that feeling... otherwise i will be living in a cave by the time i'm 30, which sadly isn't too far off...

so by july 1st... i want to have lost 15 pounds or size 8, whichever comes first. right now i'm at a sturdy 150 size 12 and thats just preposterous. wrong. not even slightly okay! i'm still the biggest i've been in ever in my life. i mean i was never "skinny" or anything, but i wasn't this big... except a year or so ago... i did get up to 173 and i lost 20 pounds and only ONE size. Ridiculous!!! so anyways... this is my first plan. THEN... by august 15th i want to be down another 15 pounds... and be at a solid size 6 (size 4 in some clothes, but thats cause those stores are sweet and make there clothes a little big [a & f for example]). So that is that. its in writing. it has to be done, right? haha. well... i hope i stick to this plan, my very happiness rests on it.

i have to go back to weight watchers and continue my working out... and i think it can be done. thats a little over 2 months, almost 3 months... i've done more in less time... so we'll see. if i really work hard, i think i can do it... plus i can't start a new job looking the way i look - not cause i look that bad, but because i feel soooooo ugly... and i need confidence to start a new job. so that is that. i guess you could say this is a major goal for me to accomplish before i'm 30, i cannot start my 30's feeling and looking like this.

i have an early day tomorrow... so i'm off to relax in bed. xoxo

happy memorial day?

yay! i FINALLY went hiking... and i thought i was going to die a lot, but i made it! i have been far too lazy lately and so hiking was extremely hard. but as i said, i did it. oh i love runyon.

kinda bummed out... my plans for this weekend were canceled, so yet another boring weekend of nothingness. i hope that i can make plans with other people... i've been rather depressed due to the nothingness that is my life. although i do have a lot of studying to do. a lot of studying. plus the field trip for school with my parents... i hope it turns out fun and doesn't take forever. i'll just make the best out of this weekend... i hate that all my friends have families... ugh. why do i have to be so behind?

alright... so i'm off to either take a shower or take a shower.

happy memorial day?

glory days

ahh! so annoying, i can NEVER remember my log in, to this journal. haha. its so simple but i can't for the life of me remember it. i don't know why it signs me out even though i have the "remember me" checked.

anyway...........

i found an old high school [sort of] friend on myspace, [darren w.]... and ... he didn't remember me. haha!! i probably should be bummed about this, but for some reason i just don't care. i guess cause i wasn't really into him back in the day... he was awesome for the sex [i'm such a slut] and we had fun but i didn't really like him like that at least i dont remember liking him like that, i do remember wanting to fix him though... and i remember he asked me to marry him... hahahaha and he doesn't remember. thats seriously classic. i remember we were sitting at a park and it was late at night, [cause we only hung out late at night] and he was telling me about how he was going away to college and that he had this whole life plan for the two of us. [he was probably drunk or high or something] and his life plan was... he would go to college, get a great job and then come back and marry me. i told him he was nuts and i let him down, [he really was a little nuts] and he said he was dead serious and all this and i said "well, we'll see". i dont remember much of anything ever, but i do remember this clear as day. kinda funny. but whats even funnier is... he doesn't remember me! haha! how can you not remember me?? i got kicked out of his house for being too loud, if you know what i mean. i was such a little whore.

anyway... according to his myspace, he seems like the same dork as he ever was... and he has HORRIBLE tattoos, at least thats my opinion. he is a big jock type... and he really did grow up very good looking, i mean he was always really hot, but he grew up nicely. and i hope the very best for him. he was such a messed up kid way back when... i hope all of his dreams come true.

alright... enough about that... i have so many things to accomplish today and i haven't done a single one of them. terribleness. bon au revoir.

never a bride.

i think my friend ally is engaged. fuck. always a brides maid..........

i'ma go find out right now.

lame.

**update** **i was wrong**

not getting married, yet... he is moving in with her. gay.
i am not a fan of the boyfriend/girlfriend living together situation... i know it works for some, but i'm still very anti. i didn't tell her any of my negative thoughts on it, just congratulated her and pretended to be excited. she was distracted by tv, so it was rather annoying talking to her. she is basically my sister and we talk like 4 times a year... we correspond by email or myspace, but we dont actually talk that often. [i wonder if that is how sisters really are? haha] whatever though. i'm happy for her, i really am... i'm just envious of all my friends that are moving on with their lives and here i am stuck. stuck where i've been for years and years. i know its my fault i'm so stuck... but i just cant figure out how to get out of my rut...

i'm so dumb.

[lynn, you're right... i need to stop thinking! haha]

i was sitting here going through my old journal and reading old entries from like 2002, there aren't many since i deleted almost all of them... [i wish i hadn't]... and just making me think again... i want to be the old me. i'd almost welcome the heartache i was going through, just to feel something again... i haven't had feelings in so long that i dont know if i'll ever feel something ever again. bleh.

anyway... i ended up lurking around my livejournal for so long i missed my nail appointment. i'm so good at wasting time. it is one of my many valuable talents. so dumb... and its so hard to type with these nails... tooooooooo long! i hate my nail place so put off getting them done... the asshole [that i dont get my nails done by] stole the tire cap thing... the little thing that caps off where you put the air into the tire... whatever its called... right in front of me [!!] he stole it. asshole. i have to look for a new nail place... i need to ask missy where she gets her nails done... maybe i'll ask her today and go there tomorrow... and say 'f you' to ventura nails. i'm seriously so mad at that guy... and i'm REALLY mad that i didn't say anything. i'm so dumb. [this is what my car tire looks like now, so pissed]

alright... i better get to reading... i'm almost done with chapter 6... then i'll only have chapter 7, 9, 11, 12! woo! haha! i'm going to bomb this test.... oh god help me.

xo

stuck. stuck. stuck.

i have a test on wednesday and i have not read a single page of the 6 chapters its on. typical me. tomorrow i guess i'll be busting my ass reading about primates. oh the thrill of it all.

so lately i have been wanting a different life more and more. i lurk peoples myspace or journals [pathetically] and their lives just sound and look so much more fun than mine. i hate that. i want to change... i need a change. so i'm going to try, keyword here "try" and change stuff about myself. i'm just so stuck. and i hate it.

slowly a lot of my friends are turning 30 and i need more before i welcome that number into my life. i've been dealing with being 29 better, i think. i literally have to tell myself i'm 29 [in my head] or i will forget. i dont feel 29, i still feel 24. and i just keep seeing everyone else get older and i'm staying in the same place. this is very frustrating... i am stuck.

i ask myself on a daily basis... why is it i'm not getting older but everyone else is? i mean this in a lifestyle way not in an age way... obviously i'm getting older, but i'm not "growing up" - whatever that means. i can't really describe it that well, but i cry thinking about it... and i cry often lately. i'm so unhappy with everything and i dont know how to dig myself out of this rut. i need to get a job, that will help a whole lot i know... i have too much time on my hands.

i keep hoping that my stubborn mind won't stop me from doing the things that will help me. but this mind is awfully stubborn. i have such an internal fight going on, i am definitly at war with myself. every day i say "this is the day! this is the day i'm goign to start doing [insert change here]" and i do the very opposite. it is driving me CRAZY!! AND my mood is just horrible... i need therapy. i just don't feel like i have anyone to talk to or that would understand... so therapy is definitely in order.

i've also been lurking old love interests... and boy have i screwed up a few that i really regret. well... one in particular... todd jones. i just wish him and i were friends. thats all. i dont want him in a lov- interest-y way. i miss his friendship... he was just so amazing to talk to. i miss him. i'm really sad that things ended up the way they did. i think i hurt him... i think he liked me a lot and i didn't choose him... not that, that was the reason he got hurt... i just wasn't very nice. and i regret that. i regret few things... but that is definitely one of the things i regret.

ugh, and i envy too much.

okay enough random thinking... another thing that is in order: sleep. i'm tired.

...at least i've opened this can of worms... for future entries....

oh boy...

i have like 3 seconds before i have to leave for my second installment of lovely saturday school. bum out. 3.5 more hours, and that's all! and its geography and i love this class oh so much. funny thing would be if i actually became a geographer... i wonder if you have to travel to be a geographer, i'm not big on staying in a strange place for more than a couple weeks... i guess its on the long list of questions about geography as a major.

anyway... i just finished anthro for today and i have NO idea how i'm going to pass the next test... he was reading off a few questions... and i had NO answers. none. haha. last test (compared to the rest of the class) i did okay on. i got a 61 which was the average for the class... so the way he curves, i would get a C on that one. i hope to goodness i get at least a B on the next test and then a C or better on the final... i think that way i'd at least pass the class... and then GOOD BYE ANTHRO!!! i won't be seeing you again anytime soon, well, except in the day to day evolution before my eyes kinda way. ha! anyway...

life's been super crazy boring... i need some adventure in my life... i need to accomplish things before i go back to work... and before i turn the dreaded... three-zero! dun dun dun... i tell myself everyday i'm going to start my list and actually cross things off... yet, i have had no motivation to start. this starting tomorrow will change... look its in print... so i have to do it. :)

Ah, school time!!!
xo