cakewalk is a dance.

i'm not off to a very good start on this new diet of mine... i have lowered my food intake, which is a step, but the things i've been eating aren't very healthy, to say the least. today consisted of: pop tarts (low fat at least), in n out and panda express. haha. whoa. bad. oh well... it was a holiday, those don't count right??

so i have to go back to reality tomorrow... i have a study session with michelle and i have done zero reading or even looking at my books. i'm a horrible student.

i hung out with ally tonight... and her boyfriend jared... wow. those two don't ever quit. always sexual innuendos! always! why can't they quit when they have company??? i don't quite understand when a couple HAS to flaunt their sex life in others faces... its weird and i dont really like it, to be honest. am i a prude? perhaps... maybe even envious, but when i was a couple and there was a "third wheel" i was never all over my boyfriend, i always tried to make sure the other person didn't feel uncomfortable. maybe thats why my relationships failed? haha i don't know about that... i'm sure that list is probably much longer and that reason would probably be on the VERY bottom if on it at all... sigh... i'm a love failure for sure.

this week: i MUST call dawn. i miss her to pieces.

AND... another friend of mine is getting married... and well, having a baby...

why do people still, in this day and age think getting married because you are pregnant is a good idea? dont get me wrong, great if you think he or she is the "one" then by all means, go to it... marriage, kids, picket fence... awesome... but "we're pregnant and i'm planning the wedding" is not hopefully ever going to come out my mouth. i'm okay with "we're pregnant" or "i'm planning my wedding", but both together just screams disaster to me. ALSO... why would you want to walk down the isle 6-9 months pregnant? or even right after you have a baby? wouldn't you want to wait to lose the baby weight? i dont know, i guess i would. and be cause i would, everyone else should too! i'm always right, damn it! i just didn't think shotgun weddings existed anymore. i guess they should... there would be less single parents out there... but at the same time, would there be more divorces? i mean is that possible? i guess i'm just writing out my butt... i dont know anything about being married, i barely know about being in a relationship... and i suck at that... so whatever. i hope to know what its about and i hope i make mistakes that someone else can critique, cause then at least i'll be in a relationship... one step closer to where i'm at now.

you know. i tried to write about him... but i can't. i guess there is too much stirring around in my mind to put it all on "paper". but i now know i can still have sex with him; just a phone call away... great. sadly... i did write his number down. i think this is the like millionth time i've had his number, stored in my phone and then deleted it... this time it was just written, but soon... i'll store it... then i'll delete it. i know the routine.

ugh, why did all this happen? ugh, why does time fly by so quickly... why have i wasted so much of it? there has to be a reason for it all... and i've been searching for the past like 6 years. PATHETIC. i realized i met him almost 10 years ago. TENNNNNNNNN YEEEEEEEEARS. ten years.