stuck. stuck. stuck.

i have a test on wednesday and i have not read a single page of the 6 chapters its on. typical me. tomorrow i guess i'll be busting my ass reading about primates. oh the thrill of it all.

so lately i have been wanting a different life more and more. i lurk peoples myspace or journals [pathetically] and their lives just sound and look so much more fun than mine. i hate that. i want to change... i need a change. so i'm going to try, keyword here "try" and change stuff about myself. i'm just so stuck. and i hate it.

slowly a lot of my friends are turning 30 and i need more before i welcome that number into my life. i've been dealing with being 29 better, i think. i literally have to tell myself i'm 29 [in my head] or i will forget. i dont feel 29, i still feel 24. and i just keep seeing everyone else get older and i'm staying in the same place. this is very frustrating... i am stuck.

i ask myself on a daily basis... why is it i'm not getting older but everyone else is? i mean this in a lifestyle way not in an age way... obviously i'm getting older, but i'm not "growing up" - whatever that means. i can't really describe it that well, but i cry thinking about it... and i cry often lately. i'm so unhappy with everything and i dont know how to dig myself out of this rut. i need to get a job, that will help a whole lot i know... i have too much time on my hands.

i keep hoping that my stubborn mind won't stop me from doing the things that will help me. but this mind is awfully stubborn. i have such an internal fight going on, i am definitly at war with myself. every day i say "this is the day! this is the day i'm goign to start doing [insert change here]" and i do the very opposite. it is driving me CRAZY!! AND my mood is just horrible... i need therapy. i just don't feel like i have anyone to talk to or that would understand... so therapy is definitely in order.

i've also been lurking old love interests... and boy have i screwed up a few that i really regret. well... one in particular... todd jones. i just wish him and i were friends. thats all. i dont want him in a lov- interest-y way. i miss his friendship... he was just so amazing to talk to. i miss him. i'm really sad that things ended up the way they did. i think i hurt him... i think he liked me a lot and i didn't choose him... not that, that was the reason he got hurt... i just wasn't very nice. and i regret that. i regret few things... but that is definitely one of the things i regret.

ugh, and i envy too much.

okay enough random thinking... another thing that is in order: sleep. i'm tired.

...at least i've opened this can of worms... for future entries....