...

still waiting / looking for a job... (waiting on the agencies to call me). i have a tentative interview next week... i wish they'd call me back to confirm, i hate when things aren't concrete. its so annoying. i would like to get this job, only because its in the field i was working in and i think i'd be comfortable... but i dont know... its a little scary too because i dont know what i'd be doing, it is different than what i was doing before. i guess thats kinda cool at the same time though, learning new things having new experience. that would be pretty good. we'll see. i hope something comes through pretty soon... i dont like the stress...

its been a pretty depressing week. i haven't seen anyone besides agents at employment agencies and my parents... no friends since sunday. :( i hope that i can go and do something this weekend, but i doubt it. all my friends have families. :( i feel so left out. maybe ally will hang out with me (?) i dont know, she has a family too... and she is a busy girl. but we'll see. maybe she is sick of me? i dont know... anyway... i feel so alone. i hate this feeling. i have nothing (besides my family [parents]). i have no job/career, no boyfriend [which obviously means no husband], no kids, i dont even have a place of my own right now; i'm living with my parents. so embarrassing and very depressing.

i need to not focus on what i dont have and focus more on what i do have. its just hard right now... i'm getting really discouraged.

i hope life picks up a little soon...

i like fair.

i wish life was more fair.

i went up to oakhurst this past weekend. it was so wonderful up there... i went up with my friend ally to visit her parents. their house up there is so beautiful and the 2 acres they live on are just to die for. its exactly the kind of place i wish my parents could afford when they retire. so yeah, i had a lot of fun, we just hung out, went to a lot of museums [i love museums], took pictures [which i'll post soon], went in the spa, went on a steam train ride... and i watched madelynn [ally's 6 year old daughter, seriously so adorable] pan for gold. it really was such a relaxing little trip. i hated coming home. its depressing coming home to reality.

so, speaking of my parents, i want to try and help them out more. i dont do nearly as much as i should. i am very selfish and i really need to change this about myself. as soon as i get a job, i'm going to try and give them a lot more money to help them out, i want to start a savings account for them so maybe i can fund a really great vacation for them... i need to start helping out more around the house also. i'm too lazy.

i need to start working on being a "doer" and not such a "dreamer". i talk about doing stuff and never do it or if i do start, i never complete anything. its one of my BIGGEST issues and i need to some how overcome it. i have a lot of "me work" to do, but this is like numero ono.

i can't stand so much about myself, i need to start working on it, so i can be a happier person. i want a boyfriend so bad lately, or at least the prospect of one, i seriously haven't had a prospect in quite awhile... and the prospects i've had, really had no chance with me, they were very much a bunch of mr. wrongs. i need to figure out how to be a doer instead of a dreamer. how how how?

this is depressing stuff. i'm gunna go watch dawsons creek.

le sigh.

since i dont keep myspace blogs very long... i will place them in here for future reading...
from myspace blog:

[7/12/07]
its that time... sigh...

i have an appointment with ajilon office tomorrow at 11:30. good bye boring days... good bye sleeping in... good bye dong whatever i feel like doing... good bye feeling worthless. i'll miss you.

i'm semi excited... with everything there are pros... and cons. i'm going to try and focus on the pros though. although, i keep thinking about how i won't be seeing any of my friends anymore. ha. especially come sept. 4th. boo.

........... alright i need to go to worksource, since my awesome computer doesnt have microsoft office on it.

eeeeee... i'm scared of new jobs.

-----------------------------------------------------------

[7/13/07]
ooh i'm on a roll this week with the blogs...

my appointment with the agency went really well. they sent my resume to a few places already... and told me i'm awesome. i received very high test scores, but did we ever think i wouldn't? no. i'm brilliant. i might have an interview on monday/tuesday with some "entertainment" company... i thought they meant porn when they said that, but come to find out its some country western music company. i'm actually pretty stoked on that... i'm not a big country fan, but i think it would be a fun work environment. so hopefully that pans out... seems like a pretty easy job. admin asst for an executive... can't be too difficult, possibly a little demanding though. whatever. pay is good, benis are good... close to home. works for me.

so i'm glad today went swimmingly. yay.

had golden spoon tonight... mmmmmmmmmmm. best place EVER. i want GS everyday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[7/18/07]
**update**

okay so i think i have a plan... you know, generally libras are terrible decision makers, so this has been really hard for me... plan as follows: tomorrow i'm going to call (or maybe i'll go into work source office) the unemployment office and ask them when the temp job ends do i lose my benefits or can i pick up where i left off? then if they respond in a positive manner, then i will take the temp job in calabasas... and hope they find me as irresistible as i know i am... and hire me... my job troubles [and money troubles] will be gone... but if they dont realize how awesome i am, [and lose out] then i'll still have my unemployment to pay the bills. does this make sense? i think it does... but i'm in serious stress out mode, so who knows... there has been some drama here... bleh. **end update**

i love the movie "drive me crazy".

jobs. ugg.

i'm getting nervous now... i have not heard back from ajilon about any permanent positions... and i dont like that. i did hear from them for a couple temporary positions. one in century city (ummmmm... it would take me like 5 years to get to work and 8 years to get home, that would suck), it would be for 1-2 months... and then a contract admin (my old job) in calabasas, but its temp until they find someone "more qualified" F YOU. i'm so qualified they have no idea. haha. so i'd probably start working like next week if i took one of the temp jobs... so i dont know what to do. i guess it would be good for me to start working, since i've been a lazy bum for the past 5 months... i just don't know what to do. the contract admin possition would be cool since i really did enjoy that job... BUT... its temp. then what? then i'm screwed. but i thought temp work might be kinda fun... always doing something different... AND what if... just what if... the company realized just how awesome i really am and gave me the job? its for a sr. contract admin... which they start at like 60K. that completely wouldn't suck. if i worked my ASS off i bet i could prove to them i rule. should i really take that chance? i dont know... maybe i should. you never know what could happen... i have to talk to my parents... they are usually good at helping me figure stuff out. only bum out would be... work would start next week. ... hmm... i wonder if they would pay me really well? but man... i want benefits and i want security. i dont like the unexpected or the unknown. surprises are not my thing. i guess i'll just talk to the lady at ajilon tomorrow and ask her questions...

ug, i'm stressing myself out.

on a better note: how sweet is this freakin dresser?




and i found some SERIOUSLY rad hello kitty items last night while randomly searching. which, along with other things, have been placed in my [new favorite thing] wishpot.

oh and i think i have alzheimer's... i can't remember ANYTHING lately... :(

sick i tell ya.

i'm so sick of everything right now.

i'm having a bad evening. i feel sick to my stomach.
i'm stressing about the job situation.
i'm stressing out about my parents situation (the property).

i'm just plain stressed out.

i'm sick of calling a friend and her never calling me. yet, she always says she wants to hang out... but she NEVER answers her phone. kinda pisses me off.

i'm also not into having a stern message left for me; when its completely uncalled for. if you left me a message before and i haven't called you back; then by all means, please leave me a more stern message... but if this is the first i've heard from you [and i left YOU a message BEFORE you left me one] don't be a dick.

thats it. dont be a dick.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. everything is getting to me.

if its not PMS i dont know what it is.

i just want to run away. i want to scream. alkdhaowieytaowiehnalowngvoi!!!

i wanna go places. i wish i had a friend or a few friends that are single... and would love to go travel... i'm not saying to europe or anything, although, that would be amazing... but to like san fracisco or san diego... or vegas... some place drivable. OR a boyfriend that likes weekend trips places. that would rule. i am sick of the stale life i lead. i want to branch out a little... i'm not saying i need to be world traveled within the next year or anything... just want to have some fun. i'm bored. anyway... i have a headache and for some reason i can't wake up.

i need to clean and i have barely started. my bathroom is not in good shape right now. my room needs a good cleaning as well. hardwood floors suck. its never clean or at least thats how it feels.

i have a possible job opportunity... going to ajilon was awesome per usual. they are so nice and they make me feel like i'm not worthless. a couple of the girls raved over how well i did on the testing. i was shocked i did so well; i was afraid i forgot everything. my nails are so long that i was sure i made a TON of mistakes on the typing tests. haha. stupid acrylics. OH i have to get my nails done tomorrow! for serious; they need a fixin. oh so the job opportunity is for the academy of country music! HA. funny... i am not so much a fan... but it would be a pretty fun environment i think... AND its CASUAL! i could wear jeans!! oh man that right there makes it ALL worth it. i really would like $22 an hour... but we'll see... i would hate to make less than i did at JLH. but we'll see... wearing jeans is quite a plus. haha. i figure if made $22 an hour i could pay my credit cards off, pay my car down (then figure out how to make the payments lower) and make my credit better and be out of my parents house in a year or less. thats not bad. but if i make less than that, it might take longer. boo. :( we'll see though... i just have to stay focused on paying the bills off AND going to school. OH and the hours would be 9-5 at the academy of country music... thats freakin awesome... 9 am!?!? i could do that! its 8 i have a problem with. haha. but mandatory overtime... which is good for the paycheck... bad for the school situation. something i would have to work out with them. i would really only have school one week night, so i'm sure it wouldn't interfere too much. oh gosh... i haven't even had an interview yet! the lady at ajilon just really thinks i'll fit well there... and she was really jazzed on me interviewing... she tried to get me an interview right on the spot.

annnnnnyway... this friday i get to go on a road trip with ally! woot! i'm excited. we're going to oakhurst... her mom lives there... and its really close to yosemite, so i'm SUPER stoked. we're going to yosemite and i hope we can hang out there for a while (a whole day i mean). i have to remember to bring sunscreen! and a hat! it will be HOT... oh and my CAMERA. we are so going on an awesome photography adventure. i hope anyway... i'm going to purchase black and white film and go wild. well i hate taking too many pictures, but i want to take a couple rolls.

eep, i'm hungry again and i just can't seem to wake up! damn me... i guess i'll have some more caffeine. xo

tomorrow do list:

- call school and make appointment with counselor *update* - you can't make an appointment right now. walk ins only. the guy was a TOTAL dick too.

- call school and make appointment for assessment tests *update* you can't make an appointment right now. walk ins only.

- go to worksource and get resume updated

- work on uploading resume to the following
- healthnet.com
- medtronic.com *update* - the website sucks; i need to give them a call
- email resume to ajilon

*update* i never came close to any of these things:
- pay bills

- clean room

- gym it

- possibly dawn hang out sesh

- video games / arts n crafts (cause soon i won't have time for either of those; this is an ongoing task)

i think thats it.

today/monday i should go to school and talk to a counselor & check out the assessment center, pay bills, clean & gym. soon enough i wont have time to waste like i do now. that will be nice.

eeeeeek!

eek!

i just made an appointment with an agency... so its real now. i'm REALLY looking for a jobby job. i'm so nervous and my appointment isn't until friday! oh boy. i feel sick to my stomach. :(

i have to update my resume tomorrow and email it to the girl. i am going to go into the unemployment office tomorrow morning and work on it. bleh. i feel sick.

i need references too! i called and left a message with my old supervisor... and i have to call my old boss too. hopefully they will still refer me. if not, i'm screwed. but i dont see why they wouldn't... i'm a nice girl and i think they liked me. they both said they would write me a referral letter, so i shouldn't be so insecure. i just am scared.

well i better go enjoy my freedom... soon it will disappear!

ahhh! i just wish i could get down to business! i still have not lost ONE pound... i haven't checked, but i've probably gained a pound (or two, or three...). i dont really feel like i gained, but i know i have not lost. this is getting stupid! i really hope that once i get a routine in order i'll have an easier time.

step forward: i went to the gym tonight. 45 minutes cardio, not enough, but its a start.

harry potter on tuesday night/wednesday morning. thats rad. stoked on that.

there is a cute little jacket at old navy i want, bad. i think i should get it tomorrow even though i have $100 (maybe less) to my name till next monday. eek. whatever, i'll starve, it will be good for me.

what else what else what else... ?
still cant get T out of my head. its time to get over it. it was time to get over it like 46451521 years ago. ugh. i lurk his myspace often, i hope he never makes it private. haha. i'm such a loser.

ummmmm... road trip planned in a couple weeks. i have to seriously start looking for a job this week. kinda happy kinda sad. i'm scared of working, i'm scared of working + schooling. eek. a friend (from school) told me her work is hiring and i should try to apply there, she described the benefits and um....... yeah, best benefits ever! i could get gastric bypass surgery for FREE... the insurance covers it ALL. now if i could find a doctor that would do that for me, well... i'd report him since i'm only like 20 pounds over weight... but still pretty dope insurance. they also pay 50% of plastic surgery... so if i decided to be in the worst pain of my life i can get fake boobs for half price... SWEET. maybe they pay for lasik?? that would be TOP NOTCH. so i'm really hoping for a job at that place, plus they are close to home.

hung out with dawn a few days ago... it was a lot of fun. i really hope her and i hang out more often... like once every couple weeks or more. no more of this once a year crap. thats lame. whats lame is i can't get T out of my head. fudge, its sooooooooooooooooooooo annoying. i bet you if i hung out with him i'd be over it. i dont really think i had true closure. i just kinda ditched him. he called, gave me grief and i said "no more hanging out". that was it. i'm a fuckin idiot. i chose S over him. S!! what was i thinking?!?!?!?!?! T was pretty close to everything i wanted in a guy (at the time) and S was NONE of the things i wanted in a guy. S was a little nicer, but only cause he was fuckin high the whole time. AHKLHJOFIEYOAIHOEIYROIWHNE!!! i'm so stupid. i mean really, long term i dont think T and i would have made it... the whole time i knew we would end badly so that was partly why i am glad i broke it off... and we remained friends for like a second. had i hung out with him, i think we'd be closer friends, but i didn't trust myself hanging out with him. i would have wanted to make out. whatever, GET OVER IT. i need to focus my time on other better things... things that mean something, things that have a chance of actually happening. i dream too much. head out of clouds, ASAP. like that will ever happen.

alkdja;kfdakjfda;.

i'm a mess, i need a shower.